Transitions

The last week has been insanely difficult for me. After doing my trauma work on Wednesday, I have been left reeling. The nightmares every night have come back. The flashbacks have kicked up a little too. I have been isolating and just trying to move past the thoughts, but that is always easier said than done. It has also slightly derailed my meal plan, but I am working to get back on track one moment at a time; however, I am quickly approaching another transition in my life: discharging from IOP.

I am voluntarily discharging for multiple reasons. 1) My therapist is being transferred to another section of programming, so I would no longer be able to see her and would have to start again with a new therapist. 2) I am having increasing difficulty in balancing the schedule of my work demands with those of treatment. 3) I think it's time to sink or swim. That doesn't mean that all of this isn't terrifying though.

At IOP tonight, I spoke with all 3 members of my treatment team about the idea of discharging. All 3 were supportive as long as I have follow up care; this was not set up on my first discharge. My psychiatrist is offering to go through a provider list for me and help me pick someone who is not heavy handed with medication. My dietician gave me referrals, including one to the dietician I met with during PHP who had since left. But it was my therapist who did something amazing.

First of all, let me just say how much I love working with my current therapist. She really pushes me to connect to my emotions and push through when I want to shut down. She takes things at a much slower rate, so I can actually begin to process them rather than sweep them under the rug. I also have a strong level of trust with her, because I know that no matter what fucked up shit from my life I share with her, she isn't going to back down from it. It has been really beneficial for me. So, the thought of working with anyone else is really difficult right now, especially with the trauma work we have just begun.

Tonight, my therapist told me that she was willing to see me at her other outpatient clinic at a time that she fit in her schedule for me and a rate I can afford. I just started crying, because it was so amazing of her to do that for me, but it was the reason she told me that made me feel even better about it- "You have just been so brave about going back to these dark places in your life that I know you have never truly, emotionally discussed with anyone else. I think that that takes remarkable courage, and I can't release you to a new therapist to start over when you're working so hard to get through these things. I know I need to keep working with you, so I will do whatever I can to ensure that that keeps happening." And then, I cried more.

Sometimes when I am stuck in the negative thoughts of my trauma, I can forget that there are still good people in the world whose main purpose is not to hurt or abandon me; it's to help me. This was a huge reassuring moment for me, and I feel so much better about continuing on in my trauma work. It's still gonna suck, but I know I have strong support to go through it with.

So, I am transitioning out of IOP on Friday, but I am feeling ready. There are always those nerves, because you have to figure out life a little more; however, I am feeling confident that I can move forward and maybe let go of some of the darkness in my past to have an brighter tomorrow.