Finding Motivation

Do you ever have those days where you just don't have the motivation to do the things you need to do, but you have to do them anyway? Lately, recovery has started feeling this way. While I'm doing what I can do each day, there's still a distinct lack of motivation that I'm trying to overcome.

My meal plan is becoming more and more of a chore. It's like taking out your trash. You never really want to do it, but if you don't, you'll end up with nasty consequences. One of the biggest focuses is treatment is transitioning from seeing food as this negative thing to learning to enjoy and embrace it as a necessity for life. I have just had an overwhelming feeling of dread everytime my Recovery Record alarm goes off lately. It's an instant "Oh no, not again. That went way too fast." Then, I begrudgingly retrieve my food and eat it in a very disconnected fashion. It's like I don't even taste or recognize that this is delicious food. It's made following through with my total meal plan everyday that much more difficult. With no motivation, how do you keep moving forward?

My biggest motivator right now is avoiding returning to inpatient or partial hospitalization treatment. The first time I went, I had to give up everything and attend treatment 10 hours a day, 7 days a week. Treatment became my life. While I met the most amazing group of people there, it still is a difficult thing to go to, especially if you're returning. You already feel like a failure, but when you see the look on the staff members faces that you've returned, it feels even worse. I still have some motivation to maintaining my life outside of treatment.

Another motivator is my continuing therapy. I have continued with EMDR, which is a completely exhausting process. 45 minutes of sitting with feelings and negative images is the most  uncomfortable situation ever; however, I feel like it's helping in some aspects. The catch is my therapist has stated that she will not continue with this if I relapse. Addressing those behaviors would have to come first, which is never a fun topic. Again,  it feels like failure.

There are always smaller motivators like: my family, my boyfriend, friends, the ability to work, freedom, choosing what I want to eat to fulfill my meal plan, and more.  But my biggest motivator will always be avoiding feeling like I have failed.

Looking for motivation on bad days can be hard,  but it's still important. I have learned in recovery that there will never be days that are truly easy. There are new obstacles to face everyday. But if you lose all motivation, you lose all hope of remaining in recovery.