Tired

Today is one of those days where I am just tired of recovery. Every day lately has been the ultimate battle of just trying to make it through a full day having consumed every calorie I need to, even with the epic war raging in my head. While I battle with my eating disorder every day, I have also had to battle recovery. It truly feels like a no win situation.

I have woken up lately with insanely high anxiety. It feels like I can barely handle the day ahead of me, because I am anticipating the meal plan that I have to fit in amongst the other crazy in my day. It feels like a chore. I wish I could just get to the point where I just could eat when I'm hungry and not have to obsess about the number of calories it has or if I am going to lose weight or face repercussions from skipping it. Recovery is a full time job in itself; one that makes facing the day to day that much harder, and I am tired.

I am happy being in recovery, because I know that this is where I need to be and don't feel awful every single day like I used to. Recovery has led me to things that I never knew were possible and happiness that I haven't had in a long time. Yes, my ED voice and negative body image are still there everyday, but they are nowhere near as bad as they once were. Recovery is a beautiful thing. It just consumes so much mental energy, but is it any worse than anorexia?

Today, I am tired from the daily focus on recovery; however, I still have more energy than I ever did when I was sick. Even though I am tired of eating when I'm not hungry and what feels like huge quantities every 2 hours, my body has the energy to actually go and do things now. I am tired of thinking about what I need to cook, but it's better than thinking about how fat I'll get from eating that cooked meal. I am tired of my recovery record alarm, but I am grateful that I am still alive today to hear it.

I may be tired of recovery today, but it's only because I was tired of living a miserable life in my eating disorder.