Does It Ever End?

I had an interesting discussion with some of my favorite ladies tonight. These ladies have been there with me through every step of treatment and my subsequent journey in recovery. They know that part of me better than anyone. So, when we get together, we talk about our lives and how we are doing in our recovery journeys. Tonight, an interesting topic came up. What is full recovery?

There are 2 main ideas behind “full recovery.” Some people believe that those with eating disorders will eventually get to the point where they no longer experience ED thoughts, so they won’t have to use behaviors. Others believe that full recovery can be defined by the presence of thoughts but abstaining on behaviors long term.

I happen to fall into the second group of people. For me, I will consider myself fully recovered when I get to the point where I no longer turn to restricting and other ED-related behaviors as my first choice of coping skills. I believe while the thoughts will always remain, the frequency will decrease, but they will never be completely gone. I have a few different reasons for this:

1) I have spent 10+ of my last (almost) 24 years on this earth experiencing ED thoughts. Even in the time periods where I wasn’t using behaviors, the thoughts have always been there. There are times when I have them a couple times a day and others when they are constant; however, they are still there.

2) Recovery is a conscious choice. With my mental illness, I accept that I will always more susceptible to relapses due to my triggers and previous experiences. I have to make the choice everyday when I am triggered to use behaviors or do something else. While I am working on those things in therapy, my trauma will never go away. It will become less painful, but in some way, that trigger will remain. It might not set off the bomb in my head it previously did, but it will spark a thought or a memory.

3) Eating disorders impact our brains similarly to addictions. I am not saying that eating disorders are addictions; however, using ED behaviors and using substances are both coping skills that produce an instant gratification effect. So, they are similar but still very different. In discussing with people and clients who have previously struggled with addiction, most (not all) have said that the desire to use will pop up, even after 20 years of clean time. I think this can apply for ED too.

These are just some of the bigger reasons that I have for my stance on full recovery. I also am of the mindset that being prepared for the worst is the best approach. If I maintain the belief that maybe one day these thoughts will be gone forever, I feel like I would be waiting for that day and losing hope if it never came.

So, does this ever end? I will never know the answer to this until the end of my life. The most important thing to keep in mind is that, regardless of what your definition of full recovery is, eating disorders will come in when we least expect them. It wants us to choose behaviors at every twist and turn, but in the end, full recovery, in any way, will not be possible if we continue to rely on ED.

Intake Round 2

So today, I went back to treatment for my second intake. As I have only been out of treatment 4 months, it took no time at all. I also met with the same intake person that I have a pretty good relationship with, which made everything so much easier. She knew my story and what brought me in the first place. So luckily, I did not have to go into all the gory details of my trauma again.

The hardest part was discussing my current symptoms. My flashbacks have been getting out of hand lately, particularly of my childhood and high school trauma. My childhood trauma has always been there, but something that I have never truly acknowledged. I have no complete memories of these things happening; however, I have nightmares about them all the time. Also, I've moved enough times that it's easy enough for me to identify where they occurred. Thank you, navy brat lifestyle. Just having to go into detail about all of these things happening again is enough to be totally overwhelming. I probably should have taken the full day off from work, but decided not to. Overall, it was a pretty easy transition back in. In some sick way, it almost felt like coming home, which is shitty; however, I have done so much of my own self-exploration at McCallum that it feels like a safe place for me to figure my shit out.

I thought that was going to be the most difficult part of the day. It wasn't. I hadn't told my family, except my brother, that I was going back to treatment. So, tonight at family dinner was my time to share. It went a lot better than I expected, as most of my family had already suspected that I was struggling (damn it), but it was good to just say it. As much shame and guilt as I have about going back, it is truly necessary for me to have any kind of life in recovery.

I'm ending this post with a quote from an article from Buzzfeed found here

"Always I wonder if recovery ever exists. If I’m ever to be rid of this. I feel like it will always be on the periphery, a thing inside of me. It will always be there within me and every day I will think about it as it looks me in the face. It is about food and it is not about food at all; it has nothing to do with food but with things even more primal and closer to the bottom of being human. It is about control and desire and denial and all I can do is wrestle with it."

I truly don't know if I will ever be rid of my eating disorder, but if I don't even try, I will be fighting a vicious battle to the day I die. I am sick of fighting this battle, so the only option is treatment round 2. 

"You don't want to go back to treatment, do you?

I guess I have to.