Does It Ever End?

I had an interesting discussion with some of my favorite ladies tonight. These ladies have been there with me through every step of treatment and my subsequent journey in recovery. They know that part of me better than anyone. So, when we get together, we talk about our lives and how we are doing in our recovery journeys. Tonight, an interesting topic came up. What is full recovery?

There are 2 main ideas behind “full recovery.” Some people believe that those with eating disorders will eventually get to the point where they no longer experience ED thoughts, so they won’t have to use behaviors. Others believe that full recovery can be defined by the presence of thoughts but abstaining on behaviors long term.

I happen to fall into the second group of people. For me, I will consider myself fully recovered when I get to the point where I no longer turn to restricting and other ED-related behaviors as my first choice of coping skills. I believe while the thoughts will always remain, the frequency will decrease, but they will never be completely gone. I have a few different reasons for this:

1) I have spent 10+ of my last (almost) 24 years on this earth experiencing ED thoughts. Even in the time periods where I wasn’t using behaviors, the thoughts have always been there. There are times when I have them a couple times a day and others when they are constant; however, they are still there.

2) Recovery is a conscious choice. With my mental illness, I accept that I will always more susceptible to relapses due to my triggers and previous experiences. I have to make the choice everyday when I am triggered to use behaviors or do something else. While I am working on those things in therapy, my trauma will never go away. It will become less painful, but in some way, that trigger will remain. It might not set off the bomb in my head it previously did, but it will spark a thought or a memory.

3) Eating disorders impact our brains similarly to addictions. I am not saying that eating disorders are addictions; however, using ED behaviors and using substances are both coping skills that produce an instant gratification effect. So, they are similar but still very different. In discussing with people and clients who have previously struggled with addiction, most (not all) have said that the desire to use will pop up, even after 20 years of clean time. I think this can apply for ED too.

These are just some of the bigger reasons that I have for my stance on full recovery. I also am of the mindset that being prepared for the worst is the best approach. If I maintain the belief that maybe one day these thoughts will be gone forever, I feel like I would be waiting for that day and losing hope if it never came.

So, does this ever end? I will never know the answer to this until the end of my life. The most important thing to keep in mind is that, regardless of what your definition of full recovery is, eating disorders will come in when we least expect them. It wants us to choose behaviors at every twist and turn, but in the end, full recovery, in any way, will not be possible if we continue to rely on ED.

Selfish vs Selfless

Today in group at treatment, someone talked about being selfish versus being selfless. These two words hold significant weight in the way that we think, feel, behave, etc towards ourselves and others. Selfish is when we are totally focused on our own needs, and selfless is complete focus on the needs of others. In an ideal world, everyone should have a balance of both. We need to focus on our own needs, but also look at the needs of others in order to maintain relationships. My eating disorder completely clouds this.

When I am in a full blown relapse, I tend to be very selfless in a selfish way. How is that even possible? I become very selfless in order to escape the battle in my head. Basically, I am using my selflessness as a way to be selfish. I do it to fulfill my needs, because I cannot handle what is going on in my life. So, I turn to others as a way to be selfish. It doesn't mean that I do not care about others and do not genuinely want what's best for them; however, I do tend to become enveloped in other people's lives and focused on them 100%. Most of my relationships have started in the midst of relapses, because I wanted to give someone else all of the attention in order to not have to focus on myself. This is something I have had to be mindful of in this process. I have found myself running to online dating as a way to take the focus off of myself. So, I have to monitor myself when meeting new people. As the great movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind said, "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" Change woman to man and that's me. 

Using others to help me cope with my issues is potentially one of the most selfish things a person can do. It leads to an extreme amount of guilt and difficulties in my relationships, because I don't realize how much I am hurting others by using them for my coping. It also tends to push people away, because I become dependent on them to the point of unbearable. I become too much and people walk out. If they don't walk, I push them away by becoming clingy and then shutting down when a response is given. None of my needs can ever be fulfilled by others, even though I wish they could be. I become selfish, because even though I am attempting to fulfill their needs by doing anything I can, I am not taking care of my own needs, which causes everything to fall apart. So, how do I break this cycle?

In a lot of ways, I have to become selfish for the right reasons. I need to focus on my own personal needs and self-care in order to become a person capable of being selfless with no expectations in return. This involves a great deal of therapy and commitment to incorporating self-care. I have to let myself take breaks and process things. I have to take on only what I can handle and step away from things I cannot. I must take better care of myself and that includes following my meal plan. So, what's my biggest first step that I need to take?

I asked my new therapist to begin going through my timeline and actually talking about it in great detail. I did this the first time I was in treatment in 2 ways. The first was with my individual therapist, but we only hit the highlights and overlooked a lot of the smaller issues, which add up. The second was in a group; however, I have a really difficult time allowing myself to feel the events that have happened in my life. It feels like I am telling someone else's life like I am giving a biography report in school. I try not to connect on it, because my life is exhausting with the amount of trauma I have experienced. To feel all that trauma again is awful. That's the purpose of my eating disorder: to serve as a wall between me and all that crap. Without my eating disorder, all of that comes back and becomes so overwhelming that I shut down and relapse. Unfortunately, it's not enough to have insight as to what happens. Something has to be done about it.

It's time to move forward. It's time to allow myself to experience all the feelings I stuffed down deep inside, because they were too much to bear. It's time to accept that these feelings are okay. They are not bad, just scary. It's time to take away the blame of the things I don't deserve to blame myself for. It's time to heal. It's time to tear down the wall of my eating disorder and create a new whole self that can process the pass and emotionally heal.

Overcoming Challenges- Grocery Store Version.

Today was a really difficult day for me at treatment. It was my first time at cooking class, which takes place in a grocery store aka my personal hell.

I legitimately hate the grocery store. I would rather have surgery with no anesthetic than have to spend less than an hour at a grocery store. To me, it has always been one of the biggest enemies, because it represents the one thing that I struggle most with, food. Before coming to St Louis, my aunt would often do the majority of my major grocery shopping for me. Then, I was able to pick up the few perishable items that I needed at the Walgreens aka NOT a grocery store. If I did have to go to the grocery store, I would have an exact detailed list of what I needed and a game plan of the path I would take in the store. The longer I spend in the stores, the louder my ED voice gets. It's completely crippling to me. If I am there any more than an hour, ED is yelling at me about how everything in my basket (because carts represent being fat in my mind) is going to make me fat and unworthy. I could have lettuce, milk, and eggs in my basket, and my brain gets overwhelmed.

Cooking class is another difficult thing for me. It's not that I dislike cooking. Most of the time, I just don't like to waste the free time I have on cooking. I am exhausted by the end of the day, so I don't care to eat at all, let alone take an hour to make it. It's another challenge for me. This is definitely a challenge that my ED wins most of the time. If I do cook, it's microwaveable. So, the idea of going to treatment to cook a meal was brutal to me. I really debated calling in, but then I would have to deal with self-portioning. At least this way, I would have some control over what I would be eating.

So, let's combine my personal hell with an activity I dread. Best night ever, right? In reality, it wasn't that bad. I was very anxious the whole time, which made me feel like I was going to pass out. So, I was able to sit in a chair and just try to distract from my anxiety with creating something. I was in charge of the jalapeno poppers, a food that I definitely wouldn't eat ever, because I don't tend to stretch outside of my small, taste preference bubble; however, I decided to challenge myself to try some new foods tonight. So, I tried a small popper after they had cooked, and it was actually pretty good. Also, we were only responsible for a small portion of the grocery store list. So I stayed in one section, and it was okay. It was just challenging to be in a larger grocery store thinking about food and cooking. All of the challenges.

Today has been a challenging day. Facing two of my biggest fears, grocery stores and new foods, has left me pretty exhausted today. Honestly, I am really proud of myself though. I am trying to fight every day to beat this. I'm still having pretty bad body image, but bit by bit, I am hoping it will go away. One step and one challenge at a time...