Some days, I’m just not really sure what to say. Today is one of
those days. As NEDA Week 2015 comes to a close, the reality sets in
that, while we have 1 week a year to help truly bring awareness to
eating disorders, these 7 days don’t come close to expressing how
difficult it is to live with an eating disorder.
No amount of
blogging, sharing, or talking can give the true picture of what it’s
like to be trapped in an eating disorder mindset every day. It’s being
completely stuck in your own mind and using these behaviors that you
might hate, but just can’t stop doing.
No amount of facts
describes what it’s like to be laying in bed unable to sleep, because
your mind is racing with things you’ve fucked up that day, how much you
hate yourself, and thinking of all the ways to punish yourself for the
things you’ve done.
No before and after transformation picture
will describe the hell you went through to get from picture 1 to 2. The
amount of physical and emotional pain that you undergo in treatment in
order to enter recovery. The strength it takes to overcome all of those
awful thoughts in order to eat even one bite of your meal plan for the
day. The work you had to put in to get there.
No wearing purple or
mismatched socks will make people understand the battle that goes on
with even trying to put on clothes for the day. The criticism you hear
your head no matter what item you pick up. How fat you feel, regardless
of what others say or what the mirror may show. The dread that sets in
when you realize you have to leave your house and have other people see
you.
That being said:
No awareness means that others won’t
recognize when they may have an eating disorder, because symptoms have
never been previously discussed.
No awareness means that those who
recognize that they are struggling may not reach out because of fear
that others won’t understand.
No awareness means that no steps will be taken to improve the research and treatment of eating disorders.
No awareness means that the journey to recovery becomes that much harder.
Thank
you to all who participated in NEDA week. Raising awareness will help
the discussion of eating disorders become more prevalent, which in turn
will help more people receive services and reach the recovery that they
deserve.
Showing posts with label neda. Show all posts
Showing posts with label neda. Show all posts
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Shut Up and Be Happy
For the first time, potentially ever, I have found myself in a surprisingly calm period of my life, and I am freaking out about it.
It's not like everything is perfect. I'm having a huge increase in eating disorder thoughts, which makes me want to use behaviors. I haven't really done so, and if I have, I always make it up later or the day after. I still don't have a job and haven't really heard back from any type of employer, except rejection emails, which is incredibly frustrating. Besides these things, everything is else is great and, dare I say, stable.
Stable is a weird word for me. It only ever seems to exist in the short term in my life. I have gotten used to relying on change to give me stability. No change makes my life feel uncomfortable, which it's not true in any way, shape, or form. It's actually a really good thing. So, what do I do in these situations? Create the instability.
One of my crowning achievements is that I am fantastically great at self-sabotage. I get scared that for the first time, things will be okay. My eating disorder hates that, hence the number of thoughts I've been having lately. It wants me to remain in chaos, so that it can come in and help control everything. Typically, I succumb and enter a new relapse.
Today, I can feel myself teetering. There's such a huge part of me that is determined to continue in recovery, but another that is honestly just tired. This journey is exhausting, and I've been listening to more ED thoughts lately. I just don't have the energy to keep pushing them out and challenging them. The worst part is that I make this worse by adding more value onto events than is really necessary. For example, my therapist called me out last week on being frustrated by lack of contact from jobs. She pointed out that I really haven't been unemployed for that long. It's only been 2-3 weeks. So, I am the one making myself feel badly about this. Self-sabotage at its finest. But how do I make it stop?
When working with clients with anxiety, I used to challenge them by making them give real, actual examples of how those irrational thoughts were in any way valid. Typically, there isn't any or, if there is, it's a pretty big stretch. I used to have clients very similar to me. Some had grown up in a very different world, but it was still chaotic none the less; however, when things were good, their anxiety would get worse. With one of my favorite clients, this went on for weeks until I finally told her to tell those thoughts in her head to shut up and just try to be happy in the moment. For once, things weren't chaotic. They were good. In some lives, that never happens for long. She was taken aback, but she agreed to "Shut up and be happy."
This is a phrase I need to take to heart more. I have spent so much time living in my eating disorder that I remember more moments related to that than actually positive ones. That's just sad. No one should live like that. If I continue to stay in this mindset, I will never actually be able to be content with where I'm at right now, and my life right now is wonderful.
So, self, shut up and be happy.
It's not like everything is perfect. I'm having a huge increase in eating disorder thoughts, which makes me want to use behaviors. I haven't really done so, and if I have, I always make it up later or the day after. I still don't have a job and haven't really heard back from any type of employer, except rejection emails, which is incredibly frustrating. Besides these things, everything is else is great and, dare I say, stable.
Stable is a weird word for me. It only ever seems to exist in the short term in my life. I have gotten used to relying on change to give me stability. No change makes my life feel uncomfortable, which it's not true in any way, shape, or form. It's actually a really good thing. So, what do I do in these situations? Create the instability.
One of my crowning achievements is that I am fantastically great at self-sabotage. I get scared that for the first time, things will be okay. My eating disorder hates that, hence the number of thoughts I've been having lately. It wants me to remain in chaos, so that it can come in and help control everything. Typically, I succumb and enter a new relapse.
Today, I can feel myself teetering. There's such a huge part of me that is determined to continue in recovery, but another that is honestly just tired. This journey is exhausting, and I've been listening to more ED thoughts lately. I just don't have the energy to keep pushing them out and challenging them. The worst part is that I make this worse by adding more value onto events than is really necessary. For example, my therapist called me out last week on being frustrated by lack of contact from jobs. She pointed out that I really haven't been unemployed for that long. It's only been 2-3 weeks. So, I am the one making myself feel badly about this. Self-sabotage at its finest. But how do I make it stop?
When working with clients with anxiety, I used to challenge them by making them give real, actual examples of how those irrational thoughts were in any way valid. Typically, there isn't any or, if there is, it's a pretty big stretch. I used to have clients very similar to me. Some had grown up in a very different world, but it was still chaotic none the less; however, when things were good, their anxiety would get worse. With one of my favorite clients, this went on for weeks until I finally told her to tell those thoughts in her head to shut up and just try to be happy in the moment. For once, things weren't chaotic. They were good. In some lives, that never happens for long. She was taken aback, but she agreed to "Shut up and be happy."
This is a phrase I need to take to heart more. I have spent so much time living in my eating disorder that I remember more moments related to that than actually positive ones. That's just sad. No one should live like that. If I continue to stay in this mindset, I will never actually be able to be content with where I'm at right now, and my life right now is wonderful.
So, self, shut up and be happy.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Why is Eating Disorder Awareness Important?
February 22 through 28 is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. This is the week where schools, organizations, and more can bring more education and attention to eating disorders and the accompanying issues. But why is it so important? Here are my top 7 reasons why we need eating disorder awareness:
1) Eating Disorders affect over 30 million people in the United States
Looking at my life, I have been able to identify many people who have struggled with eating disorder behaviors. Even though these behaviors don't aways lead to eating disorder diagnoses, they are still common in our society. We often hear about the newest diet fads and pressure to be thin. I can remember as young as elementary school recognizing the importance that people place on shape, size, appearance, and more. The value I took from this and placed on myself is how my eating disorder started. I felt the need to be thin and was willing to go to any length to make that happen. Regardless of how eating disorders begin, you can't always tell who has one. Eating disorders affect all genders, races, and ages. Bringing awareness to how common eating disorders truly are can help us facilitate the conversation about the symptoms, signs, and options more openly in order for everyone to get the help they deserve.
2) Eating Disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
Eating disorders wreck not only the mental health of people struggling but also the physical. Each classification of eating disorders can come with their own set of physical problems. Most commonly, people with eating disorders have heart, stomach, electrolyte, neurological, and other issues.
3) Eating Disorders have long lasting effects, even in recovery.
ED has all kinds of physical and mental aftershocks. Physically, I have a heart condition and stomach issues over a year after treatment. These are problems that are irreversible and only become more severe in a relapse. These physical problems can make recovery that much harder. I have a very difficult time facing the fact that I have done this to my body. It triggers my guilt and shame, which feed my eating disorder. It's a vicious cycle. I truly believe that I will live the rest of my life with my eating disorder. I don't think that voice in my head will ever completely go away. With work, it can get quieter, as it has over the last year, but silence seems like a dream. Everyone's journey is different, but eating disorders make a major impact on one's life.
4) Eating Disorders often co-occur with other mental health problems.
Most eating disorders do not come alone. Many people, myself included, struggle with other disorders at the same time, including: depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, and more. These disorders can also impact each other. For example, if someone is experiencing more severe depression or anxiety symptoms, he or she might turn to eating disorder behaviors to help cope. This adds more layers to treatment. Not only do you have to treat the behaviors, but you have to teach new coping skills for the other disorders as well. This multifaceted process takes time and patience.
5) Awareness helps reduce stigma.
By increasing the conversation, we can help reduce the negative connotation associated not only eating disorders, but all mental health issues. While we are improving on mental health care and awareness in our country, it is still seem as shameful to admit to having a problem. This makes admitting that you are struggling that much harder, because you are afraid of the fallout. It is even worse when some people say things like, "She looks so anorexic" or "He needs to go work off that food." You can never tell who is impacted by eating disorders. Comments like these only perpetuate the stereotypes and increase the stigma. By becoming educated, it can help open up the conversation and process to entering some type of treatment.
6) Insurance companies are difficult when it comes to treatment.
Let's be real- insurance companies suck when it comes to the treatment of eating disorders. To them, it's all a numbers game. Someone can be struggling really badly, but if he/she is in the goal weight range, insurance can say, "Sorry. Not gonna cover anymore." Residential treatment typically costs over $1000 a day. Unless you are extraordinarily wealthy, that's almost impossible to pay out of pocket for the amount of time it takes for appropriate care. For me, my insurance company dropped me from partial hospitalization the same day I was released from the hospital. I had been inpatient for a week after being actively suicidal. I returned to treatment and was told that I was no longer covered. I went from 42 hours of treatment per week to 15. The reason? I didn't lose that much weight in the hospital, so clearly, I didn't need PHP anymore. Bringing awareness gets the conversation started about how we can organize to help institute change to better serve all people.
7) Recovery is a much easier journey with support.
One of the biggest components of my treatment has been raising awareness among my own friends and family. Discussing my needs in order to be more successful in recovery would not have been as easy had they not taken the time to learn about my disorder and how to help. Awareness helps people get a feel for how difficult living with an eating disorder truly is. I admit that I am a very difficult person to deal with on days I'm struggling. I recognize that, but I am also still working to change that. It doesn't happen overnight. They also have learned what behaviors I display at the beginning of a lapse. That patience and knowledge, because they have taken the time, is a huge part of the reason why I am still in recovery today.
This is not an easy process and one week out of the year is not a lot to truly recognize all the facets to eating disorders; however, one week is better than nothing. NEDA week means that people can truly learn what the impacts of these disorders are. It's not just starving yourself to be thin or eating large amounts of food to make yourself feel better. These disorders are nasty.
Your hair falls out. You get dark circles. Your teeth rot. You are cold all the time. You don't have enough energy to make it through a day without taking naps. You are constantly miserable. You are fighting a war against yourself every minute of everyday. You are irritable towards others. You isolate in order to do behaviors. Your heart skips beats. You pass out. You can't eat a normal meal without ending up in the fetal position after. You hate your life. You think about ending it. You lose everything. Worst of all? You lose yourself.
So, please take the time to discuss eating disorders this week! It can be with family, friends, coworkers, children, strangers, anyone. The more conversations that happen, the more awareness is raised. More awareness helps build a community of support and ultimately, earlier interventions to help those struggling.
1) Eating Disorders affect over 30 million people in the United States
Looking at my life, I have been able to identify many people who have struggled with eating disorder behaviors. Even though these behaviors don't aways lead to eating disorder diagnoses, they are still common in our society. We often hear about the newest diet fads and pressure to be thin. I can remember as young as elementary school recognizing the importance that people place on shape, size, appearance, and more. The value I took from this and placed on myself is how my eating disorder started. I felt the need to be thin and was willing to go to any length to make that happen. Regardless of how eating disorders begin, you can't always tell who has one. Eating disorders affect all genders, races, and ages. Bringing awareness to how common eating disorders truly are can help us facilitate the conversation about the symptoms, signs, and options more openly in order for everyone to get the help they deserve.
2) Eating Disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
Eating disorders wreck not only the mental health of people struggling but also the physical. Each classification of eating disorders can come with their own set of physical problems. Most commonly, people with eating disorders have heart, stomach, electrolyte, neurological, and other issues.
3) Eating Disorders have long lasting effects, even in recovery.
ED has all kinds of physical and mental aftershocks. Physically, I have a heart condition and stomach issues over a year after treatment. These are problems that are irreversible and only become more severe in a relapse. These physical problems can make recovery that much harder. I have a very difficult time facing the fact that I have done this to my body. It triggers my guilt and shame, which feed my eating disorder. It's a vicious cycle. I truly believe that I will live the rest of my life with my eating disorder. I don't think that voice in my head will ever completely go away. With work, it can get quieter, as it has over the last year, but silence seems like a dream. Everyone's journey is different, but eating disorders make a major impact on one's life.
4) Eating Disorders often co-occur with other mental health problems.
Most eating disorders do not come alone. Many people, myself included, struggle with other disorders at the same time, including: depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, and more. These disorders can also impact each other. For example, if someone is experiencing more severe depression or anxiety symptoms, he or she might turn to eating disorder behaviors to help cope. This adds more layers to treatment. Not only do you have to treat the behaviors, but you have to teach new coping skills for the other disorders as well. This multifaceted process takes time and patience.
5) Awareness helps reduce stigma.
By increasing the conversation, we can help reduce the negative connotation associated not only eating disorders, but all mental health issues. While we are improving on mental health care and awareness in our country, it is still seem as shameful to admit to having a problem. This makes admitting that you are struggling that much harder, because you are afraid of the fallout. It is even worse when some people say things like, "She looks so anorexic" or "He needs to go work off that food." You can never tell who is impacted by eating disorders. Comments like these only perpetuate the stereotypes and increase the stigma. By becoming educated, it can help open up the conversation and process to entering some type of treatment.
6) Insurance companies are difficult when it comes to treatment.
Let's be real- insurance companies suck when it comes to the treatment of eating disorders. To them, it's all a numbers game. Someone can be struggling really badly, but if he/she is in the goal weight range, insurance can say, "Sorry. Not gonna cover anymore." Residential treatment typically costs over $1000 a day. Unless you are extraordinarily wealthy, that's almost impossible to pay out of pocket for the amount of time it takes for appropriate care. For me, my insurance company dropped me from partial hospitalization the same day I was released from the hospital. I had been inpatient for a week after being actively suicidal. I returned to treatment and was told that I was no longer covered. I went from 42 hours of treatment per week to 15. The reason? I didn't lose that much weight in the hospital, so clearly, I didn't need PHP anymore. Bringing awareness gets the conversation started about how we can organize to help institute change to better serve all people.
7) Recovery is a much easier journey with support.
One of the biggest components of my treatment has been raising awareness among my own friends and family. Discussing my needs in order to be more successful in recovery would not have been as easy had they not taken the time to learn about my disorder and how to help. Awareness helps people get a feel for how difficult living with an eating disorder truly is. I admit that I am a very difficult person to deal with on days I'm struggling. I recognize that, but I am also still working to change that. It doesn't happen overnight. They also have learned what behaviors I display at the beginning of a lapse. That patience and knowledge, because they have taken the time, is a huge part of the reason why I am still in recovery today.
This is not an easy process and one week out of the year is not a lot to truly recognize all the facets to eating disorders; however, one week is better than nothing. NEDA week means that people can truly learn what the impacts of these disorders are. It's not just starving yourself to be thin or eating large amounts of food to make yourself feel better. These disorders are nasty.
Your hair falls out. You get dark circles. Your teeth rot. You are cold all the time. You don't have enough energy to make it through a day without taking naps. You are constantly miserable. You are fighting a war against yourself every minute of everyday. You are irritable towards others. You isolate in order to do behaviors. Your heart skips beats. You pass out. You can't eat a normal meal without ending up in the fetal position after. You hate your life. You think about ending it. You lose everything. Worst of all? You lose yourself.
So, please take the time to discuss eating disorders this week! It can be with family, friends, coworkers, children, strangers, anyone. The more conversations that happen, the more awareness is raised. More awareness helps build a community of support and ultimately, earlier interventions to help those struggling.
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