Throughout my time in treatment and in talking to people who have successfully had longer periods of time in recovery, everyone has said that recovery is like a light switch. One day, you'll wake up and realize "What am I doing to myself?" and that's how you transition to focusing on recovery. In some ways, I agree with this; however, I don't know if I have ever truly experienced it.
The last time I was in treatment, it was my time in the hospital away from treatment that was the catalyst for my recovery. Being away from treatment made me realize that maybe I could successfully do things on my own. I didn't need to be there 6 hours a day, 7 days a week anymore. Also, being around others who were deeper in their eating disorders than me was incredibly triggering at that point.
This go around in treatment, I've been pretty stagnant. While I have been making good progress in my individual therapy, I haven't really done overly well with my meal plan or battling my eating disorder thoughts. Being of my stomach issues, I have days where I just generally give up on trying to follow my meal plan and focus on making it through the day; however, by restricting more, my body only gets worse, not better. I have more days where I am doing better on my meal plan, but I honestly don't think I have had a day where I have successfully completed all snacks and meals since I re-entered at the beginning of September. It's just trying to figure out if IOP is really helping?
Then, I received an e-mail from my therapist yesterday saying that they are threatening to discharge me because of my lack of progress and the number of days I have missed treatment to stay at work instead. I understand that. I fully admit that I have not been the most committed to treatment lately, but it is not because of my eating disorder. I think I might have had my wake up call.
In the days I have actually gone to IOP, I haven't found them the most effective. I have had more success with my individual sessions rather than the supported meals and groups. It ends up being more of a chore to go each day rather than providing the benefits that I need. So, what do I do?
Today, I feel more clarity in my mind than I have in a few months now. My eating disorder voice is quiet today. For the first time in 2 months, I have actually exceeded my meal plan, and I don't feel that guilty about it. I challenged myself by going to Target and actually spending some time in the grocery section. I attempted to avoid looking at labels and calorie counts, but still did on a few things. I bought a variety of foods that I can actually eat over time, rather than just a week. My stomach finally doesn't hurt today, even though I was sick most of last night. All in all, this is the first good day I've had in a long time. Nothing amazing has happened. Nothing has really changed. It's just a good day.
Maybe the wake up calls don't always come in when we expect them to, but it could be that the come in right when we need them, even if we don't realize it ourselves. I am a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, but it doesn't always make sense in that moment. Eventually, it always does. Maybe this wake up call is going to lead to bigger and better things and a healthier journey on my way to recovery.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Better
Better is such a loaded word for me. To me, it can mean so many different things. Even Webster's Dictionary has 5 (!) definitions for it! These 5 are- 1) Greater than half; 2) Improved in health or mental attitude; 3) More attractive, favorable, or commendable; 4) More advantageous or effective; and 5) Improved in accuracy or performance. Better has also impacted my eating disorder, perfectionism, and own self-worth. I look at those 5 definitions that Webster gives and can see myself and my eating disorder in all of them. So, how do we break it down?
The first definition, greater than half, applies to my entire life. I can honestly say that my mental health problems, trauma, and eating disorder have been present for the better half of my life. Better to me in this case is just sad. The better half of my life? It's insane to me that I have spent 15 years of my life hating and blaming myself for so many things that were beyond my control or ability to comprehend as a child. To me, this is the saddest better, because it puts into perspective just how much time my life has been consumed with eating disorder thoughts and behaviors.
The second definition, improved in health or mental attitude, is a great milestone for me. I can honestly say that, even though I am truly struggling in my journey in recovery, I am BETTER than I was in February when I entered treatment for the first time. This is my proudest better. It is proof to me that I can fight through anything and, even if that fight is still going on, I can improve upon myself to make positive changes in my life that will make the next chapter in my life extraordinary.
The third definition is what my eating disorder makes everything about: better. If I am "better," that means I am pretty, smart, loveable, and actually deserving of some worth. I am enough. This also boils down to comparisons though. This better to me is my Eating Disorder, but I am not defined it Everyone around me is. That girl walking down the street is better than me, because she is so thin and pretty. She's better. I did not graduate at the top of my class. Everyone above me is better than me. My boyfriend left me to focus on himself. His life is better without me than with me. I never allow myself to be deserving of that better. This is one of the biggest parts of my treatment right now, but one of the hardest. I often wonder if I will ever be better enough for me not to compare myself to anyone else. Somewhere in me, I hope that I will be, but I know that takes time and becoming more comfortable with myself. I need to create an identity surrounding this new transitioned person, which is way easier said that done.
The fourth definition is how I view my life with my eating disorder, better. To me, my eating disorder has always symbolized a place of safety, control, known, home, comfort, etc. I could attach most positive adjectives to how my Eating Disorder has helped me in my life. To me, anorexia has always been the better coping skill. It is the one thing that I know is guaranteed to make me feel better. I know that if I am having a bad day, all I need to do is skip 1 meal and I will automatically feel a little a better. To me, restricting is a better coping skill than anything else. How do you do better when you feel like you know the best solution for you? Time, patience, and an open mind are the best first steps, because something better and healthier is out there.
Finally, the last definition is a dichotomy for me: improved in accuracy or performance. My Eating Disorder mind sees this as "You can always do better" and applies it to school, work, life, appearance, any little thing. My healthy mind sees it as "You are doing better" and applying it to things like: my meal plan, less restricting, less exercising, fewer mistakes, etc. This goes back to my last blog about the War in My Mind. This constant battle of fighting ED mind vs Healthy Mind. By using challenges and evidence to focus on having more rational thoughts, I am better. I am no longer completely consumed by my eating disorder. I recognize it as a separate entity, which is a huge deal for me. It is leading to a better life for me.
Overall, I am learning to accept and incorporate all 5 versions of better. Although some of these definitions define a negative part of my life and a strong portion of my Eating Disorder, that positive side is there, even if I can't always see it. I just know that I deserve a life without hating myself everyday; a life where I don't analyze every bite of food or every calorie. I know that life is there, and it will be better.
The first definition, greater than half, applies to my entire life. I can honestly say that my mental health problems, trauma, and eating disorder have been present for the better half of my life. Better to me in this case is just sad. The better half of my life? It's insane to me that I have spent 15 years of my life hating and blaming myself for so many things that were beyond my control or ability to comprehend as a child. To me, this is the saddest better, because it puts into perspective just how much time my life has been consumed with eating disorder thoughts and behaviors.
The second definition, improved in health or mental attitude, is a great milestone for me. I can honestly say that, even though I am truly struggling in my journey in recovery, I am BETTER than I was in February when I entered treatment for the first time. This is my proudest better. It is proof to me that I can fight through anything and, even if that fight is still going on, I can improve upon myself to make positive changes in my life that will make the next chapter in my life extraordinary.
The third definition is what my eating disorder makes everything about: better. If I am "better," that means I am pretty, smart, loveable, and actually deserving of some worth. I am enough. This also boils down to comparisons though. This better to me is my Eating Disorder, but I am not defined it Everyone around me is. That girl walking down the street is better than me, because she is so thin and pretty. She's better. I did not graduate at the top of my class. Everyone above me is better than me. My boyfriend left me to focus on himself. His life is better without me than with me. I never allow myself to be deserving of that better. This is one of the biggest parts of my treatment right now, but one of the hardest. I often wonder if I will ever be better enough for me not to compare myself to anyone else. Somewhere in me, I hope that I will be, but I know that takes time and becoming more comfortable with myself. I need to create an identity surrounding this new transitioned person, which is way easier said that done.
The fourth definition is how I view my life with my eating disorder, better. To me, my eating disorder has always symbolized a place of safety, control, known, home, comfort, etc. I could attach most positive adjectives to how my Eating Disorder has helped me in my life. To me, anorexia has always been the better coping skill. It is the one thing that I know is guaranteed to make me feel better. I know that if I am having a bad day, all I need to do is skip 1 meal and I will automatically feel a little a better. To me, restricting is a better coping skill than anything else. How do you do better when you feel like you know the best solution for you? Time, patience, and an open mind are the best first steps, because something better and healthier is out there.
Finally, the last definition is a dichotomy for me: improved in accuracy or performance. My Eating Disorder mind sees this as "You can always do better" and applies it to school, work, life, appearance, any little thing. My healthy mind sees it as "You are doing better" and applying it to things like: my meal plan, less restricting, less exercising, fewer mistakes, etc. This goes back to my last blog about the War in My Mind. This constant battle of fighting ED mind vs Healthy Mind. By using challenges and evidence to focus on having more rational thoughts, I am better. I am no longer completely consumed by my eating disorder. I recognize it as a separate entity, which is a huge deal for me. It is leading to a better life for me.
Overall, I am learning to accept and incorporate all 5 versions of better. Although some of these definitions define a negative part of my life and a strong portion of my Eating Disorder, that positive side is there, even if I can't always see it. I just know that I deserve a life without hating myself everyday; a life where I don't analyze every bite of food or every calorie. I know that life is there, and it will be better.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
War in My Mind
What do you do when you are fighting an internal battle all day every day? Every waking moment of my day, I am having all these different thoughts racing through my brain. ED thoughts. Healthy Mind thoughts. Work thoughts. Personal thoughts. More ED thoughts. Negative thoughts. Hopeless thoughts. Fight through it thoughts. Work thoughts. All of the thoughts. All of the anxiety. Every day is like a war in my mind. Those few moments of peace where my brain isn't racing are becoming harder to find. So, what do I do?
Every good soldier comes equipped with tools. As a therapist, I taught clients about their tool kits of coping skills that are all readily accessible. The only problem with this is that you can't always be doing coping skills all day every day. There's some level of coping with sitting with the war, but we all have other responsibilities that can't always be shaken off to focus on a coping skill 100%. Blogging has become one of my primary coping skills. It has become an outlet for me to put those thoughts out of my head, rather than letting them circle. It's also been really validating sharing my experiences with other people; however, I can't always drop what I am doing to write a blog. The battle continues.
Once I figure out what tool is best for me in that moment, I have to fight the hardest battle of all: challenging the thoughts in my head while using that skill to keep my anxiety at a somewhat manageable level. My biggest struggle is that many of my thoughts are irrational, which stem from irrational core beliefs. My own personal theoretical orientation is Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, which believes that mental health problems stem from irrational core beliefs, which impact our emotions and behaviors. It's full of fun phrases like "Should"ing over yourself (Telling yourself you "should" do something, even if it is damaging to you) and "Musts" ("I must be the best and win other's approval," "Others must treat me the way I want to be treated or they're terrible people," and "I must get what I want. I musn't get what I don't want. But if I don't get what I want, it's terrible.) All of these apply to me pretty well, especially the Shoulding. Most of these are pretty irrational. So, how do I challenge them?
Evidence is really important to challenging my irrational thoughts. I feel like I am doing a horrible job at work, and I am going to be fired, because I am doing such a bad job and can't keep up with it while at treatment. None of this is true. I'm definitely overwhelmed with trying to balance the demands of work and my recovery; however, evidence shows me that my thoughts are irrational. Proof: I got a raise this month. I get praise and validation from my coworkers. I have not missed a deadline on any assignments since returning to treatment. That evidence helps me challenge my irrational thought and become at peace with a rational one. This is a pretty exhausting process though.
The average person has about 40-50 thoughts per minute (Thanks Google). If every one of those thoughts I have is irrational, how much challenging do I have to do? An insane fucking amount. That's exhausting just thinking about it! It does get easier though. The more challenging I do, the easier it gets, especially for repeat thoughts. I have some of the same general thoughts everyday, which are not limited to: "If I eat that, I am going to get fat and be worthless." "That person in the mirror is fat and disgusting." "You're doing such a bad job, because you can't do this work fast enough." "You forgot to schedule these things for those kids, so you obviously suck at your job." "No one will ever love you, because you're gross and ugly." "You clearly can't take care of yourself, because you've let yourself go." "Don't feel happy. You don't deserve that." I could go on forever...
I think the most important thing is to continue fighting the war. There's that old saying that says something to the effect of "You might not win the battle, but you can still win the war." Each day is a new battle. We're never really sure what might hit us at any given moment; however, persistence in fighting each individual battle, even if we lose some, will help us win the war against our eating disorders and continue on a new journey in recovery.
Every good soldier comes equipped with tools. As a therapist, I taught clients about their tool kits of coping skills that are all readily accessible. The only problem with this is that you can't always be doing coping skills all day every day. There's some level of coping with sitting with the war, but we all have other responsibilities that can't always be shaken off to focus on a coping skill 100%. Blogging has become one of my primary coping skills. It has become an outlet for me to put those thoughts out of my head, rather than letting them circle. It's also been really validating sharing my experiences with other people; however, I can't always drop what I am doing to write a blog. The battle continues.
Once I figure out what tool is best for me in that moment, I have to fight the hardest battle of all: challenging the thoughts in my head while using that skill to keep my anxiety at a somewhat manageable level. My biggest struggle is that many of my thoughts are irrational, which stem from irrational core beliefs. My own personal theoretical orientation is Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, which believes that mental health problems stem from irrational core beliefs, which impact our emotions and behaviors. It's full of fun phrases like "Should"ing over yourself (Telling yourself you "should" do something, even if it is damaging to you) and "Musts" ("I must be the best and win other's approval," "Others must treat me the way I want to be treated or they're terrible people," and "I must get what I want. I musn't get what I don't want. But if I don't get what I want, it's terrible.) All of these apply to me pretty well, especially the Shoulding. Most of these are pretty irrational. So, how do I challenge them?
Evidence is really important to challenging my irrational thoughts. I feel like I am doing a horrible job at work, and I am going to be fired, because I am doing such a bad job and can't keep up with it while at treatment. None of this is true. I'm definitely overwhelmed with trying to balance the demands of work and my recovery; however, evidence shows me that my thoughts are irrational. Proof: I got a raise this month. I get praise and validation from my coworkers. I have not missed a deadline on any assignments since returning to treatment. That evidence helps me challenge my irrational thought and become at peace with a rational one. This is a pretty exhausting process though.
The average person has about 40-50 thoughts per minute (Thanks Google). If every one of those thoughts I have is irrational, how much challenging do I have to do? An insane fucking amount. That's exhausting just thinking about it! It does get easier though. The more challenging I do, the easier it gets, especially for repeat thoughts. I have some of the same general thoughts everyday, which are not limited to: "If I eat that, I am going to get fat and be worthless." "That person in the mirror is fat and disgusting." "You're doing such a bad job, because you can't do this work fast enough." "You forgot to schedule these things for those kids, so you obviously suck at your job." "No one will ever love you, because you're gross and ugly." "You clearly can't take care of yourself, because you've let yourself go." "Don't feel happy. You don't deserve that." I could go on forever...
I think the most important thing is to continue fighting the war. There's that old saying that says something to the effect of "You might not win the battle, but you can still win the war." Each day is a new battle. We're never really sure what might hit us at any given moment; however, persistence in fighting each individual battle, even if we lose some, will help us win the war against our eating disorders and continue on a new journey in recovery.
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