War in My Mind

What do you do when you are fighting an internal battle all day every day? Every waking moment of my day, I am having all these different thoughts racing through my brain. ED thoughts. Healthy Mind thoughts. Work thoughts. Personal thoughts. More ED thoughts. Negative thoughts. Hopeless thoughts. Fight through it thoughts. Work thoughts. All of the thoughts. All of the anxiety. Every day is like a war in my mind. Those few moments of peace where my brain isn't racing are becoming harder to find. So, what do I do?

Every good soldier comes equipped with tools. As a therapist, I taught clients about their tool kits of coping skills that are all readily accessible. The only problem with this is that you can't always be doing coping skills all day every day. There's some level of coping with sitting with the war, but we all have other responsibilities that can't always be shaken off to focus on a coping skill 100%.  Blogging has become one of my primary coping skills. It has become an outlet for me to put those thoughts out of my head, rather than letting them circle. It's also been really validating sharing my experiences with other people; however, I can't always drop what I am doing to write a blog. The battle continues.

Once I figure out what tool is best for me in that moment, I have to fight the hardest battle of all: challenging the thoughts in my head while using that skill to keep my anxiety at a somewhat manageable level. My biggest struggle is that many of my thoughts are irrational, which stem from irrational core beliefs. My own personal theoretical orientation is Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, which believes that mental health problems stem from irrational core beliefs, which impact our emotions and behaviors. It's full of fun phrases like "Should"ing over yourself (Telling yourself you "should" do something, even if it is damaging to you) and "Musts" ("I must be the best and win other's approval," "Others must treat me the way I want to be treated or they're terrible people," and "I must get what I want. I musn't get what I don't want. But if I don't get what I want, it's terrible.) All of these apply to me pretty well, especially the Shoulding. Most of these are pretty irrational. So, how do I challenge them?

Evidence is really important to challenging my irrational thoughts. I feel like I am doing a horrible job at work, and I am going to be fired, because I am doing such a bad job and can't keep up with it while at treatment. None of this is true. I'm definitely overwhelmed with trying to balance the demands of work and my recovery; however, evidence shows me that my thoughts are irrational. Proof: I got a raise this month. I get praise and validation from my coworkers. I have not missed a deadline on any assignments since returning to treatment. That evidence helps me challenge my irrational thought and become at peace with a rational one. This is a pretty exhausting process though.

The average person has about 40-50 thoughts per minute (Thanks Google). If every one of those thoughts I have is irrational, how much challenging do I have to do? An insane fucking amount. That's exhausting just thinking about it! It does get easier though. The more challenging I do, the easier it gets, especially for repeat thoughts. I have some of the same general thoughts everyday, which are not limited to: "If I eat that, I am going to get fat and be worthless." "That person in the mirror is fat and disgusting." "You're doing such a bad job, because you can't do this work fast enough." "You forgot to schedule these things for those kids, so you obviously suck at your job." "No one will ever love you, because you're gross and ugly." "You clearly can't take care of yourself, because you've let yourself go." "Don't feel happy. You don't deserve that." I could go on forever...

I think the most important thing is to continue fighting the war. There's that old saying that says something to the effect of "You might not win the battle, but you can still win the war." Each day is a new battle. We're never really sure what might hit us at any given moment; however, persistence in fighting each individual battle, even if we lose some, will help us win the war against our eating disorders and continue on a new journey in recovery.

Connecting to Support

I have had a very difficult time connecting with my support system lately, which is part of my relapse. I have been isolating quite a bit, because I just do not want to admit to others that I am struggling. My ED mind also doesn't want people to see how fat I am. I have been stuck in my brain fighting this battle day in and day out, which has prevented me from speaking to others. This isolation has only allowed my ED behaviors and thoughts to get worse. So how do you break the cycle?

I have been working hard to try and leave my comfort space more and more. My living situation is unique as I live in the same building where I work. My office is literally 10 doors away from my apartment. So, when I am working a lot, there are days I literally don't even leave this building. Going to treatment has helped alleviate this a little bit and allowed me to connect to others more; however, IOP is a weird situation, because everyone has different days on/off, which leads to little cohesion. So, I have typically just been in my office and my apartment, only interacting with coworkers minimally. I have been consciously trying to accept more invitations from friends and family to leave my building. Otherwise, I just lay in bed most of the day when not at work. Yesterday was a really powerful example of how much better connecting with support can make you feel.

I ended up going to my mom and stepdad's for the afternoon and dinner, because they have been pretty concerned about me. My brother and his fiance went as well, which is always helpful, because they serve as a buffer from triggering comments for me. It was nice to have the support through a meal, and even when my stomach felt like it was going to shred open, they were able to distract me from it. Also, my brother and I decided to take a spontaneous road trip to Milwaukee next weekend, so I cannot wait to reconnect with my bestie, favorite girl, and friends, even if it is only for a day.

I also skyped with my best friend of 10 years. She is one of the few people who was by my side while much of my trauma was happening. We hadn't talked in a bit, because life has been insane for both of us; however, every time we talk, it feels like no time has passed at all. She is one of my biggest support systems, and reconnecting with her reminds me why I came down to treatment in the first place; so that I would have the ability to be that happy person that I could be in between my traumas and relapses. That girl is still in there somewhere.

My day ended with a reunion of some ladies I was in treatment with. These ladies are some of the strongest, most wonderful people I know. They have been with me through it all, so it always feels comfortable with them. They're also not afraid to call me on my ED, which is super helpful, especially right now. Talking with them about having to go back and dealing with my ED was awesome, because they have been there. It's also nice to go back and laugh at all the crazy shit that happened at MP, because what fun is it to go crazy if you can't go back and laugh about it? We also decided to take a road trip to visit one of our favorite ladies at college in a few weeks, so I absolutely cannot wait for that.

It's important to connect to support, because it makes you feel less alone in the world. While your ED constantly tells you that you're not good/pretty/thin/lovable/smart/etc enough for anybody, your support system is there to tell you that you are. You're more than good/pretty/thin/lovable/smart/etc enough for them, and they are there for you unconditionally. So, when you feel alone, connect with your support, because they're the best rationale to fight that irrational ED.

Being Rational

Well now that I am not totally losing my mind in a total freak out, I feel like I can write a rational blog.

Yesterday was a total shit show. It's often days like that when I feel like I absolutely cannot handle anything anymore. Just one thing after another kept adding on to the point where all I could do last night was lay in bed and cry. I have always never been really sure if I meant to live this life I have been given. I'm not sure why I was picked to have all these things happen to me, but I was. There's no rational or human explanation as to why.

One of my clients used to tell me that she knew she had experienced such a tremendous amount of trauma in her life, because God chose her to be a role model and example to others that you can make it through anything. The more I go through treatment, the more I think about her. She truly was an amazing example and leader for her family, church, and community. Even though she had experienced a huge amount of trauma, she tried so hard until her body wouldn't allow her to do so anymore. By the time I started seeing her, she was in her mid-60's but had been plagued with a tremendous about of physical ailments. She was on oxygen and walked with a cane. In the year that I worked with her, she became more and more ill, but still wanted to be that example for her family and others living in her assisted living home. The last 2 months she was my client, she was doing so poorly physically. We transitioned into phone sessions, because she couldn't make it into the office anymore. All of a sudden, I stopped hearing from her. I knew in my gut that she had probably passed away; however, it was still a difficult period of not knowing. Then, after mailing her a letter, our main offices received it back with the word "Deceased" hand written on it. It was a really difficult thing for me to accept, but I knew that she wasn't in pain anymore and gone out as that beautiful role model that she wanted to be.

Whenever I think about my client, I think of how calm and rational she was about everything. She could have been having nightmares and suicidal ideations all day, but she was still able to sit and explain in a calm and collected manner how she was doing and legitimate explanations as to why. She was very insightful. I have always envied this ability in other people. I feel like I am a very rational person. I think things deserve explanations and reasons, which is why I feel so frustrated in my eating disorder.

My Eating Disorder is clearly not a rational thing. The vast majority of my core beliefs that trigger my eating disorder are also irrational. One major belief has always been that I am unworthy of anyone's love, particularly romantic love. Another top contender is that I am undeserving of any good things that do happen to me. Finally, the worst one of all, I am responsible and deserving of blame for all of the horrible things that have happened to me in my lifetime. I can try and give evidence for all of these, but I am typically shot down by more rational answers.

The irrationality of my eating disorder has been a huge struggle point for me. I don't understand it. I hate it. I do not get why I can't just get over it. That battle between my rational and irrational minds are even more difficult than the one between my healthy and ED minds. The biggest battle of all will be accepting the rational and accepting that the irrational will always exist, but there are better things in the world to challenge it with.