Pitfalls

It's been an incredibly challenging week. That's the tricky thing about recovery: when things seem to be going well and you are beginning to feel comfortable with where you're at, all of a sudden pitfalls begin to appear to try and set you back. This week has been full of them.

First of all, a very unwelcome person decided to try and re-enter my life via LinkedIn. This person has not been a part of my life in quite some time because of the choices he made, ones that hurt me very badly. So, I made the decision to stop contacting him but I have never been ready to truly say I feel in order to officially end things. He has been blocked on all other types of social media; however, when I joined LinkedIn approximately 2 weeks ago in order to help support my job search, I did not think to automatically go block this person there. So, when I got a message from him asking me to add him, it was all total bullshit.

This was very triggering for me. My phone number and e-mail address have not changed in 10 years, but he could not make the choice to contact me there? And LinkedIn of all places? What the fuck? It just brought up a lot of the anger I have tried to shut out for the last few years. I had had it. Finally, I found myself with the courage to finally send the "Go Fuck Yourself" e-mail that I have never been able to do. I was always worried that, because it would be the final nail in the coffin of our relationship, it would ultimately backfire,and I would become a more damaged person from it. As I have learned in recovery though, this is not the case.

Because I kept holding onto that relationship, I was staying a damaged person. I was not able to truly process and grieve the loss like I needed to, which resulted in my constant state of being shut down. This set off my eating disorder behaviors and the vicious cycle continued. Every time I would become upset about the issue, I felt that damage more strongly than I had before. Each time I pushed it down, it simmered and grew. All the time I spent "protecting" myself was wasted on unhappiness and pain; however, I wasn't ready to do it yet. It took me a long time to get to this point, but I finally reached it. So, I hit send.

There's nothing more validating than finally telling the person who hurt you to fuck off. Those small words mean so much, because it means I'm no longer allowing him the occupancy in my heart or mind. I will no longer allow him to continue causing me pain, especially when he is no longer a part of my life. I will not allow my eating disorder to creep in and say that I need to use behaviors to cope with this loss. I am my own person who is deserving a life with only people who love and support me, not those who use me to make themselves feel better. I am taking back my life from my abuser, something that I have never been able to say until now.

One of the most important steps for me after sending that e-mail was to write a goodbye letter for myself. I waited until the next day and put myself in the position where I could do it. I used a picture of him and my journal to sit and write all of the things that I never could say. These will be things that I never will say to him, because he doesn't deserve to hear them. I did this for me and surprisingly, I didn't shut down. By giving myself the space to write the letter and using the picture, I cried for the first time in 7 years about the pain he's caused me. I cried for 45 minutes, which is something I haven't done in years, and it felt good. I even made my therapist cry when discussing it, so that's pretty damn good. The next (and most dreaded) step will be processing the letter in therapy though, which is going to be the most difficult thing I will ever have to do. Pitfalls at their finest.

The other major issue this week has been with my license. I found out last night that my counseling license is actually NOT valid in the state of Missouri, which is overwhelmingly frustrating. I have thought that I would be fine, which I clearly looked at the wrong information. So, I quit my job to return to a field that I love but cannot currently practice in until I take another graduate class. With it being the middle of the semester, I am going to have to wait until at least summer and maybe fall in order to do so. So, the internship I just started has no benefit for me and I just feel very stuck. With my stuckness came the possibility to shut down; however, for the first time in our relationship, I actually sat down with my boyfriend and cried... a lot. I've teared up and cried a little, but nothing like this. It was a really great moment, because it shows that I don't need to shut down and I am safe being vulnerable. Rationally, I know that, but it's still very uncomfortable for me to experience emotions. I am the luckiest lady to have such an incredibly patient partner.

So, now what? This is a question I don't really know the answer to at this point in time. For now, I'm just going to try and figure out a plan B. The one thing I have to keep in mind is that pitfalls will pop up everywhere. Whether it's a bad body image day or a major life changing event, life isn't perfect. Neither am I. The best I can do is rely on things outside of my eating disorder in order to keep moving forward. Even if I do use behaviors, it's better to take one step back and get up swinging than to fall back to a full blown relapse. All I can do is one day at a time.

Overcoming Challenges- Grocery Store Version.

Today was a really difficult day for me at treatment. It was my first time at cooking class, which takes place in a grocery store aka my personal hell.

I legitimately hate the grocery store. I would rather have surgery with no anesthetic than have to spend less than an hour at a grocery store. To me, it has always been one of the biggest enemies, because it represents the one thing that I struggle most with, food. Before coming to St Louis, my aunt would often do the majority of my major grocery shopping for me. Then, I was able to pick up the few perishable items that I needed at the Walgreens aka NOT a grocery store. If I did have to go to the grocery store, I would have an exact detailed list of what I needed and a game plan of the path I would take in the store. The longer I spend in the stores, the louder my ED voice gets. It's completely crippling to me. If I am there any more than an hour, ED is yelling at me about how everything in my basket (because carts represent being fat in my mind) is going to make me fat and unworthy. I could have lettuce, milk, and eggs in my basket, and my brain gets overwhelmed.

Cooking class is another difficult thing for me. It's not that I dislike cooking. Most of the time, I just don't like to waste the free time I have on cooking. I am exhausted by the end of the day, so I don't care to eat at all, let alone take an hour to make it. It's another challenge for me. This is definitely a challenge that my ED wins most of the time. If I do cook, it's microwaveable. So, the idea of going to treatment to cook a meal was brutal to me. I really debated calling in, but then I would have to deal with self-portioning. At least this way, I would have some control over what I would be eating.

So, let's combine my personal hell with an activity I dread. Best night ever, right? In reality, it wasn't that bad. I was very anxious the whole time, which made me feel like I was going to pass out. So, I was able to sit in a chair and just try to distract from my anxiety with creating something. I was in charge of the jalapeno poppers, a food that I definitely wouldn't eat ever, because I don't tend to stretch outside of my small, taste preference bubble; however, I decided to challenge myself to try some new foods tonight. So, I tried a small popper after they had cooked, and it was actually pretty good. Also, we were only responsible for a small portion of the grocery store list. So I stayed in one section, and it was okay. It was just challenging to be in a larger grocery store thinking about food and cooking. All of the challenges.

Today has been a challenging day. Facing two of my biggest fears, grocery stores and new foods, has left me pretty exhausted today. Honestly, I am really proud of myself though. I am trying to fight every day to beat this. I'm still having pretty bad body image, but bit by bit, I am hoping it will go away. One step and one challenge at a time...