Valuing Values

This weekend, I had the wonderful opportunity to go up to Milwaukee with my brother to visit our friends and go to a Brewers game, which is exactly what I needed for my mental health. The best part about these weekends is the time I get to spend with my bestie, Liz (BTW, she blogs about being a new mom here) She and I met under really shitty circumstances.  We met the night before the funeral of our good friend, Mike, who had died unexpectedly overnight of a heart condition that no one ever caught. So, we connected in a group of people at the bar and just clicked. We are basically the same person, except that we disagree on Beyonce.  I could not have survived in Milwaukee as long as I did without her. So, last night we were able to talk about our lives and all the crazy shit that's been happening. We ended up talking a lot about feeling unsatisfied right now for various reasons and looking at making major changes.  So, we talked about values.

In treatment,  I had a therapist that filled in on a week that my primary therapist was out of town. This therapist had me doing a lot of identity work. He and I went through my life's timeline. Then, he picked certain words and had me free associate to them on separate sheets of paper. Later, I had to go back and identify my emotions related to them.  The last word he handed me was my name. I drew a total blank. I literally had no idea how to respond to that. He told me that it was because I was struggling with figuring out who I am. He said that the best way to start is to identify my values.

Values are the ideals that we strive to live by. For me, some of my primary values are honesty, loyalty,  friends, family, and independence.  I believe that if we stick to the things we value, all the choices we make will fall into line and we can be comfortable. If something in our lives conflicts with our values, it leads to anxiety.  We know that these things aren't how we want to live life, so it creates this inner conflict. If one of our values isn't being fulfilled, it leads to depression,  because there is a void that needs to be filled. If we don't figure out what value is lacking, we might turn to negative behaviors to cope but don't exemplify the ideal we want to follow. It sounds easy, but like all things in life and therapy, easier said than done.

So what do we do? I have created a list of my personal values and keep it in my journal.  That way, if I start to feel anxious or depressed, I can look at those things and remind myself that if I have those, I am happy. It's not as easy figuring out if jobs, relationships,  or other things fall in line with those values (especially if society goes against them); however, if we set those ideals for ourselves and strive to follow them daily, our identity will fall in line behind it, even if we don't realize it. In the end, our values and journey to follow them will always be remembered more than making the right choice about changing jobs or moving to new places. But if we follow our guts and values, we just might make it.

Overcoming Challenges- Grocery Store Version.

Today was a really difficult day for me at treatment. It was my first time at cooking class, which takes place in a grocery store aka my personal hell.

I legitimately hate the grocery store. I would rather have surgery with no anesthetic than have to spend less than an hour at a grocery store. To me, it has always been one of the biggest enemies, because it represents the one thing that I struggle most with, food. Before coming to St Louis, my aunt would often do the majority of my major grocery shopping for me. Then, I was able to pick up the few perishable items that I needed at the Walgreens aka NOT a grocery store. If I did have to go to the grocery store, I would have an exact detailed list of what I needed and a game plan of the path I would take in the store. The longer I spend in the stores, the louder my ED voice gets. It's completely crippling to me. If I am there any more than an hour, ED is yelling at me about how everything in my basket (because carts represent being fat in my mind) is going to make me fat and unworthy. I could have lettuce, milk, and eggs in my basket, and my brain gets overwhelmed.

Cooking class is another difficult thing for me. It's not that I dislike cooking. Most of the time, I just don't like to waste the free time I have on cooking. I am exhausted by the end of the day, so I don't care to eat at all, let alone take an hour to make it. It's another challenge for me. This is definitely a challenge that my ED wins most of the time. If I do cook, it's microwaveable. So, the idea of going to treatment to cook a meal was brutal to me. I really debated calling in, but then I would have to deal with self-portioning. At least this way, I would have some control over what I would be eating.

So, let's combine my personal hell with an activity I dread. Best night ever, right? In reality, it wasn't that bad. I was very anxious the whole time, which made me feel like I was going to pass out. So, I was able to sit in a chair and just try to distract from my anxiety with creating something. I was in charge of the jalapeno poppers, a food that I definitely wouldn't eat ever, because I don't tend to stretch outside of my small, taste preference bubble; however, I decided to challenge myself to try some new foods tonight. So, I tried a small popper after they had cooked, and it was actually pretty good. Also, we were only responsible for a small portion of the grocery store list. So I stayed in one section, and it was okay. It was just challenging to be in a larger grocery store thinking about food and cooking. All of the challenges.

Today has been a challenging day. Facing two of my biggest fears, grocery stores and new foods, has left me pretty exhausted today. Honestly, I am really proud of myself though. I am trying to fight every day to beat this. I'm still having pretty bad body image, but bit by bit, I am hoping it will go away. One step and one challenge at a time...

Connecting to Support

I have had a very difficult time connecting with my support system lately, which is part of my relapse. I have been isolating quite a bit, because I just do not want to admit to others that I am struggling. My ED mind also doesn't want people to see how fat I am. I have been stuck in my brain fighting this battle day in and day out, which has prevented me from speaking to others. This isolation has only allowed my ED behaviors and thoughts to get worse. So how do you break the cycle?

I have been working hard to try and leave my comfort space more and more. My living situation is unique as I live in the same building where I work. My office is literally 10 doors away from my apartment. So, when I am working a lot, there are days I literally don't even leave this building. Going to treatment has helped alleviate this a little bit and allowed me to connect to others more; however, IOP is a weird situation, because everyone has different days on/off, which leads to little cohesion. So, I have typically just been in my office and my apartment, only interacting with coworkers minimally. I have been consciously trying to accept more invitations from friends and family to leave my building. Otherwise, I just lay in bed most of the day when not at work. Yesterday was a really powerful example of how much better connecting with support can make you feel.

I ended up going to my mom and stepdad's for the afternoon and dinner, because they have been pretty concerned about me. My brother and his fiance went as well, which is always helpful, because they serve as a buffer from triggering comments for me. It was nice to have the support through a meal, and even when my stomach felt like it was going to shred open, they were able to distract me from it. Also, my brother and I decided to take a spontaneous road trip to Milwaukee next weekend, so I cannot wait to reconnect with my bestie, favorite girl, and friends, even if it is only for a day.

I also skyped with my best friend of 10 years. She is one of the few people who was by my side while much of my trauma was happening. We hadn't talked in a bit, because life has been insane for both of us; however, every time we talk, it feels like no time has passed at all. She is one of my biggest support systems, and reconnecting with her reminds me why I came down to treatment in the first place; so that I would have the ability to be that happy person that I could be in between my traumas and relapses. That girl is still in there somewhere.

My day ended with a reunion of some ladies I was in treatment with. These ladies are some of the strongest, most wonderful people I know. They have been with me through it all, so it always feels comfortable with them. They're also not afraid to call me on my ED, which is super helpful, especially right now. Talking with them about having to go back and dealing with my ED was awesome, because they have been there. It's also nice to go back and laugh at all the crazy shit that happened at MP, because what fun is it to go crazy if you can't go back and laugh about it? We also decided to take a road trip to visit one of our favorite ladies at college in a few weeks, so I absolutely cannot wait for that.

It's important to connect to support, because it makes you feel less alone in the world. While your ED constantly tells you that you're not good/pretty/thin/lovable/smart/etc enough for anybody, your support system is there to tell you that you are. You're more than good/pretty/thin/lovable/smart/etc enough for them, and they are there for you unconditionally. So, when you feel alone, connect with your support, because they're the best rationale to fight that irrational ED.