You know those days where all this annoying shit happens and just piles up and you just have a meltdown? This is my day today...
Work wasn't bad. I had a very hard time staying focused, because I knew that once 3:45 hit, I would have to leave to surrender myself back to the world of therapists, psychiatrists, dieticians, and talking about food and how it makes me feel all the time. It was nice to walk in and see some familiar faces. No shock like I thought (because I'm pretty sure they all knew I was coming). Just love and support. That made it a lot easier to walk back through those doors.
Issue number 1 of the day came up when speaking with my new psychiatrist. She asked me to describe what my current symptoms were. One of those for me is flashbacks to some serious trauma. So, I am describing in detail what I am experiencing in these flashbacks when I am cut off. She says she has a suicidal client who needs assistance immediately. No wrap up. No conclusions. I got an, "Are you going to be okay?" Which my answer to that is always, "Of course. Sure." Honestly, an actively suicidal client definitely takes precedence. I had no issue with that. It's just that I was left open discussing a fuck ton of shit that I had no future opportunity to gain closure on. As soon as I left her office, I went straight into meal planning group (joy) and discussing the meal outing.
Oh right, the meal outing was tonight. I had about a 15 minute heads up about it, which if you've ever had an eating disorder, you know that meal outings are one of the worst fucking parts of treatment. Granted, for me, this time was a lot different as I have been living in the "real world" outside of treatment for the last 4 months; however, it doesn't make it any less scary or overwhelming, especially when your dietician has no idea what behaviors you've been doing or what you've actually been eating. A guessing game is never something you want to do when it comes to your food. I count calories. I measure things to determine appropriate portions. Guess what portion is good for dinner? I haven't been eating dinner, so I'm not even hungry, let alone trying to determine what's best for me. So, it just made things more overwhelming and more difficult. I ate a little bit, but definitely not anywhere close to what an "appropriate" portion is. Oh well.
Then, on my drive home, I noticed what looked like smoke coming off my car. I didn't pay much attention to it, because I was stopped at a stop sign and thought I might be over a manhole or something like that. It wasn't until I got into my parking garage when I saw more white smoke. I got out and liquid was just pouring out of my engine. I called a coworker to help me, and he was able to find this huge slit in my radiator. Without any coolant in my car, it's undriveable. It was just the one thing I didn't need today.
It's been overwhelming enough having to accept that I need to return to treatment. Then, add in the conversation about my trauma being unresolved. Next, a completely unplanned meal. Finally, my car completely wrecking. I literally can't handle any of these things.
I don't know if this is a sign from God that now isn't the right time for treatment or that I need to struggle some more before I do my actual work. If it is, I am praying for absolution, because I need a fucking break.
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