Compartmentalizing and Meltdowns

Caution: This is a pretty negative post.

I will never understand how I can go from being completely okay, happy, and laughing to completely breaking down. Today, I honestly just feel like I am fighting a losing battle, so why keep fighting? The battle between my healthy mind and ED mind has been slowly growing. Most days, I stay in healthy mind, but then, days like today happen where ED takes over and wins control of my brain.  It always happens when I get stressed out.

Treatment honestly had one very negative side effect for me. As a workaholic/perfectionist/etc, I have always had to focus on work and getting tasks done, regardless of what other bullshit is happening in my life. When my fiance left me after college, I continued to work 40 hours a week and commute to Milwaukee three times a week for 9 graduate credits. I never took a day off. I stuffed it and kept going. My ability to compartmentalize my personal life was so crucial for me existence that it severely hurt my emotional capabilities, but it helped me succeed in my academic and professional life. Ever since going to treatment and had to process my entire life, that ability is shot to hell. If I get triggered on even the slightest thing, I tend to go into a meltdown, which is completely foreign for me. One, I hate expressing emotions. It makes things really fucking hard for me, because it makes me feel like I've failed. That goes into wanting to use ED behaviors to cope. The vicious cycle continues. Two, I have always had to be the strong person among my family and friends since childhood. That role is the only one I know how to fill. My purpose in life has been to be that person that people can talk to when something happens, but it has rarely worked the other way. I have some very important and amazing people in my life, but I have a very difficult time reaching out when I need anything, because again, I feel like that's failure. Finally, it just overwhelms my brain. As someone who has compartmentalized shit since I was 5 years old, I have never had to deal with a brain full of stress AND emotions/memories. I have a very hard time remembering things now, because my brain is on overdrive a lot of the time. This has had a huge impact at work.

So, since I was moved into the office manager position approximately 2 weeks ago, I have felt like I am losing my mind, because I think I am. I am having a very difficult time balancing work mind, healthy mind, ED mind, and lack of compartmentalizing. It's getting to the point where I get so fucking overwhelmed that all I can do is just vent and meltdown. Luckily, I haven't cried at work yet, but I've come close. I know I have the skills for this job, but my lack of compartmentalizing is making it really fucking hard to continue it; however, in my perfectionist mindset, I feel like I have to stick with it and not let anyone else down. The issue is that I'm letting myself down. 

I've been engaging in some ED behaviors the last few weeks, particularly restricting. Until Monday, I had spent about 2 weeks eating one meal a day. Granted, it was typically fast food or take out or some other unhealthy option as I have just been too tired to cook after working 60 hours the last 2 weeks. I have gotten a little more on track this week, but it's still hard. My body image has been pretty terrible. My mind battle getting worse. I just don't know how to get over this and maintain how I am doing right now.

That's why I blogged. I just need some way to stay accountable tonight and not engage in behaviors. This ED struggle bus is so fucking brutal.