Intake Round 2

So today, I went back to treatment for my second intake. As I have only been out of treatment 4 months, it took no time at all. I also met with the same intake person that I have a pretty good relationship with, which made everything so much easier. She knew my story and what brought me in the first place. So luckily, I did not have to go into all the gory details of my trauma again.

The hardest part was discussing my current symptoms. My flashbacks have been getting out of hand lately, particularly of my childhood and high school trauma. My childhood trauma has always been there, but something that I have never truly acknowledged. I have no complete memories of these things happening; however, I have nightmares about them all the time. Also, I've moved enough times that it's easy enough for me to identify where they occurred. Thank you, navy brat lifestyle. Just having to go into detail about all of these things happening again is enough to be totally overwhelming. I probably should have taken the full day off from work, but decided not to. Overall, it was a pretty easy transition back in. In some sick way, it almost felt like coming home, which is shitty; however, I have done so much of my own self-exploration at McCallum that it feels like a safe place for me to figure my shit out.

I thought that was going to be the most difficult part of the day. It wasn't. I hadn't told my family, except my brother, that I was going back to treatment. So, tonight at family dinner was my time to share. It went a lot better than I expected, as most of my family had already suspected that I was struggling (damn it), but it was good to just say it. As much shame and guilt as I have about going back, it is truly necessary for me to have any kind of life in recovery.

I'm ending this post with a quote from an article from Buzzfeed found here

"Always I wonder if recovery ever exists. If I’m ever to be rid of this. I feel like it will always be on the periphery, a thing inside of me. It will always be there within me and every day I will think about it as it looks me in the face. It is about food and it is not about food at all; it has nothing to do with food but with things even more primal and closer to the bottom of being human. It is about control and desire and denial and all I can do is wrestle with it."

I truly don't know if I will ever be rid of my eating disorder, but if I don't even try, I will be fighting a vicious battle to the day I die. I am sick of fighting this battle, so the only option is treatment round 2. 

"You don't want to go back to treatment, do you?

I guess I have to.