Yesterday and today have been very trying days. I have really struggled through meals, especially knowing there would be alcohol throughout the weekend. Typically when I know drinking is involved, I do not eat as much for a few reasons. 1) Because I want to numb out. 2) It's empty calories that I don't want to consume. So, it's been a major head battle the last few days.
Yesterday was the bridal shower and bachelorette party for my brother's fiance. I am a pretty anxious person normally, but adding in situations like this are really difficult for me when I am in a relapse. Luckily, everything turned out okay, and it ended up being a lot of fun. Today, I have just been attempting to deal with work and getting back on track. I have felt very off lately, which has made my work suffer. I am attempting to not get fired through all this, and I feel like, with the mass firing of a month ago, I am just teetering closer to that side every day. I really cannot lose my job right now, especially because then I would have to move back in with my parents. I am having a hard enough time without being hovered over. So, it's just a constant state of anxiety and trying to fight my demons, keep everything together, and not break down.
That's where the alcohol has come into play as well. When living in Milwaukee, I was going out all the time, because that was the social thing to do and it helped better manage my anxiety. I have caught myself drinking more lately, and I know part of that is with being social; however, I don't need to drink a bottle of wine in one sitting to be social. That's been happening more lately. Alcohol just helps me relax and gets my brain to slow down a little bit. With everything going on, I have been doing more solo drinking as well. This is a habit that I at least recognize this time. I just need to watch it and enlist the support of others to make sure it doesn't get too out of control. Again, this blog helps keep me accountable, so we'll see.
I've also been greatly debating IOP lately. It is a weird thing to enter treatment at an IOP level. The first time I was there, it was like getting to IOP was finally seeing the exit sign on the highway after being in the car for hours. Entering at that level, there is a random mix of people who are at that point, ready to leave treatment. Then, you have a very small group who are trying to work and keep their shit together to avoid PHP. It just leads to a very strange dynamic. Also, people aren't consistently there. By the time you get to IOP, you get days off. It just doesn't have that same tight knit group feeling that I thrived off of in PHP. I am not sure if this is the right next step. I don't want to get worse and go back to PHP, but I don't feel like IOP is quite right either. I'm not sure what to do right now. One day at a time.
So what's next? I was texting with one of my favorite ladies from treatment today about feeling like I am going backwards and even though I am trying to get help, nothing seems to be working. Her response was "It's not moving backwards, it's regrouping so you can continue forward." Simple, eloquent, and exactly what I needed to hear. I need to take the time to regroup and figure out what I truly want and need to be doing. Without doing that, I don't think I can move forward. I will just keep going backwards, and that's no way to live.
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