Identity

One of my biggest struggles in recovery has been identity. For the last 10 years, my eating disorder has taken up a significant portion of that. When I'm in the disorder, I become my anorexia. My behaviors take over every second of every day. My world revolves around staying safe in my bubble of restricting, self-hatred, and the familiarity. So, when that's all gone, what do I have left? I found a quotation today that has described this struggle:

"She wants it to be over, but she’s afraid of it being over, because then she’ll have to figure out what comes next." 

This describes my everyday battle. I have no desire to continue using my eating disorder behaviors. They are nothing but destructive, and they have ruined so many opportunities in my life. But at the same time, without these behaviors, I have no idea how to truly cope with the real world. 

My entire life has been nothing but change. Growing up a military brat, you have no control over where, when, or how much time you'll have before moving to a new place. At 23 years old, I have lived in over 23 houses/apartments. Change is a constant, which is what makes those few pieces of stability that much more important. I would cling to these things, because it helped me feel kind of normal on some level. In childhood, these things were my gymnastics and dance. They helped me feel safe. When I was there, I didn't have to worry about anything else. That was fine and dandy until my eating disorder became a part of that world. 

My eating disorder first started when I was 9th grade. I had dabbled in behaviors before then, but this is when I began using them consistently. I had been dancing more due to my involvement in musicals, which became my support group and my escape. Then, the first thoughts of "You're not good enough" began creeping in. I was never good enough to get the good dancing parts. I can't really sing, so I never got those parts. I was just always kind of there: a dancer who could pull it off, but not really. While these thoughts served as a good motivator, it also became my downfall as I started listening to them. I began comparing myself to those around me. The other girls were always prettier, thinner, and/or better than me. By being at the bottom of the totem pole, I had the choice: don't change anything and stay here or work really hard to move up. I went with option 2. 

I was able to work really hard and moved my way on up. I became "the dancer" in a variety of situations. It felt like I had an idea of who I was. The way I got there? Restricting and being as involved with as many dance classes and performances as possible. It felt like my eating disorder helped me achieve that. I was finally skinny and pretty. Even after I moved to Maryland, I was able to establish myself as a dancer very quickly in my new high school. This connected me with a new group of friends, which avoided my need to form a new identity. I could use this one. My identity as a "dancer" lasted all through high school. Then, when I hit college, I added to it.

Once I began college, I went through a lot of changes. My identity as a dancer remained, but I soon found myself in the role of caretaker and emotional support as my family went through a pretty heinous situation. I buried my feelings and took care of business. After that, I became the girlfriend, and very soon after, I was the fiance. Over the next 5 years, I graduated college and graduate school. I went from the fiance to the single girl. I became the 19 year old college graduate and the 22 year old with a Master's. I became the alcoholic, the hard worker, and the compartmentalizer. Through all of the changes I was undergoing, I kept onto one primary identity as my constant, the anorexic. 

The anorexic served a great purpose for a long time. Now, we all have our different definitions of great; however, I am positive that I would not have made it through graduate school without it. Anorexia helped numb the pain from so many events that would derail many people. From the time I began high school to the time I graduated graduate school 8.5 years later, I lost 8 friends in a variety of horrible ways. My father chose to leave our family as my grandmother battled a brain tumor. After 8 weeks, my grandmother went from diagnosis to death. My relationship with my father was a roller coaster. I had a variety of health issues. I began having flashbacks and nightmares. I had more traumas in addition to this list that I do not want to discuss. My life plays out like a bad soap opera where they are always adding in a new twist. My eating disorder made it possible for me to feel safe in all of this. It protected me from having a complete breakdown and allowed me to continue functioning in all that I needed to do. Anorexia was my partner.

Treating my eating disorder is honestly another loss in my life. What do you do when how you have lived your life for 10 years finally catches up with you? How do you change that? Do you even know how to change it? I had no clue, which is why I went to treatment. While I have been able to reduce my behaviors, I still cling violently to them, because I'm not sure I am ready to completely give up the familiar and the comfort I get from them. It's the ultimate "What's next?" 

If I have a major issue happen, I'm not sure that I am capable of dealing with it without restricting. I am terrified that I will finally be a person who has to breakdown and feels emotions. Yes, I recognize that that's a normal person, but I have never been like that. It's the ultimate push out of my comfort zone, because it ultimately causes me to look at myself as a person and not as my eating disorder.

I have very little idea of who I am. I'm not really convinced anyone knows the answer to this question, but I think I'm on the path to figuring it out. I am NOT my anorexia. That's for sure. I am capable of living a life without behaviors, but I need to get over my fear and just commit 100%. It won't be until then that I can answer the "Who am I?" question. I know what traits I value and what issues are important to me. I think that building off of that might finally lead to an ED free world and a new me.