Sick Equals Love

Sick equals love. An interesting concept. Yesterday, my therapist brought up the idea that maybe, on an unconscious level, I continue to struggle to stay in recovery, because this is ingrained in me. On some level, my needs are fulfilled when I am sick, but not when I am doing well. This is why I stay on this teetering edge between relapse and recovery. Does sick equal love in my world?

To me, my first gut reaction is absolutely not. It feels like she was telling me that I stay sick on purpose in order to get attention from others, which isn't true. I have never used my eating disorder as a cry for help. It has always been a type of self-punishment and sense of control for my unpredictable life. I went 10 years in my disorder before even admitting that I may have a problem with restricting. Now that it's been out in the open for a year, I feel more of a sense of responsibility to do well and stay in recovery, because if I struggle, people are going to notice it much more quickly. I also have those who are holding me accountable for my meal plan and doing well. So, I don't completely agree with this idea of sick equals love.

But what if she's right? What if on some level, I do stay in my eating disorder to receive love from others? That's a horrible thought. While I do receive more outward support from others when I'm struggling, I have so much support in my day to day life that fills me with so much love. How can she be?

When I'm sick, I cannot feel the love of others. I become very selfish and stay in my own self-absorbed eating disorder world. My eating disorder becomes my love. To me, sick equals love means that I feel more comfortable in the love from my eating disorder than from every other source. My eating disorder has never left my side. It's been there when other loves have ended. It's the one constant source of love. When I am sick, I am loved... by my eating disorder. That is a truly dysfunctional love.

My eating disorder is like that past relationship that you would do anything to keep or get back, but rationally, you know it's completely unhealthy and would ruin everything. You just can't help but want it. Sick equal love.

Today, I am trying to push myself more into that unfamiliar territory. I've been in this comfortable long term relationship with ED for entirely too long. I have a new relationship that pushes me to areas where I have never felt secure or comfortable with anyone. It's been causing me to retreat back into that comfortability that is restricting. For the first time in a long time, I am working on opening these places and trusting that it is the best thing.

Recovery is this horrible scary journey. You go into it thinking that you only have to worry about learning how to eat food again. Not even close. You have to be willing to open yourself up to these places that you have shut yourself off from for so long, that have definitely never been shared with others. But if you don't, sick will always equal love. Love equals love and if you're willing to be uncomfortable and learn to adjust, you might just find something extraordinary.