Does It Ever End?

I had an interesting discussion with some of my favorite ladies tonight. These ladies have been there with me through every step of treatment and my subsequent journey in recovery. They know that part of me better than anyone. So, when we get together, we talk about our lives and how we are doing in our recovery journeys. Tonight, an interesting topic came up. What is full recovery?

There are 2 main ideas behind “full recovery.” Some people believe that those with eating disorders will eventually get to the point where they no longer experience ED thoughts, so they won’t have to use behaviors. Others believe that full recovery can be defined by the presence of thoughts but abstaining on behaviors long term.

I happen to fall into the second group of people. For me, I will consider myself fully recovered when I get to the point where I no longer turn to restricting and other ED-related behaviors as my first choice of coping skills. I believe while the thoughts will always remain, the frequency will decrease, but they will never be completely gone. I have a few different reasons for this:

1) I have spent 10+ of my last (almost) 24 years on this earth experiencing ED thoughts. Even in the time periods where I wasn’t using behaviors, the thoughts have always been there. There are times when I have them a couple times a day and others when they are constant; however, they are still there.

2) Recovery is a conscious choice. With my mental illness, I accept that I will always more susceptible to relapses due to my triggers and previous experiences. I have to make the choice everyday when I am triggered to use behaviors or do something else. While I am working on those things in therapy, my trauma will never go away. It will become less painful, but in some way, that trigger will remain. It might not set off the bomb in my head it previously did, but it will spark a thought or a memory.

3) Eating disorders impact our brains similarly to addictions. I am not saying that eating disorders are addictions; however, using ED behaviors and using substances are both coping skills that produce an instant gratification effect. So, they are similar but still very different. In discussing with people and clients who have previously struggled with addiction, most (not all) have said that the desire to use will pop up, even after 20 years of clean time. I think this can apply for ED too.

These are just some of the bigger reasons that I have for my stance on full recovery. I also am of the mindset that being prepared for the worst is the best approach. If I maintain the belief that maybe one day these thoughts will be gone forever, I feel like I would be waiting for that day and losing hope if it never came.

So, does this ever end? I will never know the answer to this until the end of my life. The most important thing to keep in mind is that, regardless of what your definition of full recovery is, eating disorders will come in when we least expect them. It wants us to choose behaviors at every twist and turn, but in the end, full recovery, in any way, will not be possible if we continue to rely on ED.