What do you do when things start going out of
control faster than you could have ever anticipated? That’s one of the
trickiest things about eating disorders. When you start to feel things
getting slippery, all of a sudden, you’re halfway down the slope.
One shouldn’t play with fire, but sometimes the temptation to do so is just too strong. Running back to behaviors is a safe place. It’s that little hole that you just want to crawl into and hide in to feel better. So, when things start to get too chaotic, that hole seems more and more appealing. It also gives that sense of “stability” that I crave when things feel uneasy. That’s the biggest reason I have been using behaviors lately.
Recovery is an exhausting process. Sometimes, it’s just too overwhelming to even think about the meal plan and challenges that come with each new day. I am ready to be at the point where I don’t have to think about these things and just do them, but I know I’m not there yet. So, I catch myself sometimes taking a break from recovery to use behaviors to just feel at ease. That’s pretty backwards logic. In order to stay in recovery, I can’t use behaviors, but behaviors make me feel safe. It’s a horrible catch-22.
How do we break the chain? The first thing is to stop the landslide before you reach the bottom. I have been very lucky to have the gift of self-awareness to my behaviors and irrationality. I once had a supervisor tell me that I could rationalize myself out of anything. That’s exactly what I’m doing now, but it’s also coming from a disordered place. The next step is to reach out for help and support. I’ve done my best to be honest with my team, my family, and my boyfriend, because they’re the ones who confront me when I’m being disordered and support me when I need it. Finally, I need to make changes. This week, I did some self-care and was forced into some, which ended up helping. I reached out for support and was honest about when I was struggling.
What matters most is the effort. I know if I give up, I will only end up back where I was last year. I don’t want to lose my freedom and the trust of others again. I also need to get my shit together and stop running back to behaviors to feel better. That doesn’t break the cycle. Only making small daily changes can lead to major overall ones. That’s what it means to have a life in total recovery.
One shouldn’t play with fire, but sometimes the temptation to do so is just too strong. Running back to behaviors is a safe place. It’s that little hole that you just want to crawl into and hide in to feel better. So, when things start to get too chaotic, that hole seems more and more appealing. It also gives that sense of “stability” that I crave when things feel uneasy. That’s the biggest reason I have been using behaviors lately.
Recovery is an exhausting process. Sometimes, it’s just too overwhelming to even think about the meal plan and challenges that come with each new day. I am ready to be at the point where I don’t have to think about these things and just do them, but I know I’m not there yet. So, I catch myself sometimes taking a break from recovery to use behaviors to just feel at ease. That’s pretty backwards logic. In order to stay in recovery, I can’t use behaviors, but behaviors make me feel safe. It’s a horrible catch-22.
How do we break the chain? The first thing is to stop the landslide before you reach the bottom. I have been very lucky to have the gift of self-awareness to my behaviors and irrationality. I once had a supervisor tell me that I could rationalize myself out of anything. That’s exactly what I’m doing now, but it’s also coming from a disordered place. The next step is to reach out for help and support. I’ve done my best to be honest with my team, my family, and my boyfriend, because they’re the ones who confront me when I’m being disordered and support me when I need it. Finally, I need to make changes. This week, I did some self-care and was forced into some, which ended up helping. I reached out for support and was honest about when I was struggling.
What matters most is the effort. I know if I give up, I will only end up back where I was last year. I don’t want to lose my freedom and the trust of others again. I also need to get my shit together and stop running back to behaviors to feel better. That doesn’t break the cycle. Only making small daily changes can lead to major overall ones. That’s what it means to have a life in total recovery.
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