New Beginnings

When I first entered treatment, I was wondering what my life would like like afterwards. I had 2 options: Return to Milwaukee and try to resume the life I was living without using behaviors OR I could stay in St Louis for a while and try to figure things out here. I’m really glad I chose option 2.

Although things haven’t been perfect or easy, I have a pretty peaceful life now. Milwaukee was chaotic and fueled with memories and bad choices. There, if I began struggling with behaviors, I could easily get away with them. I wouldn’t have as much accountability there and would also probably return to my hard partying ways to cope with all the changes I had just undergone. I would have been back to square 1 and probably on another train back to St Louis.

I think new beginnings are important after going through such huge personal growth and change. If we go back to the familiar but remove the eating disorder, it will always feel like something is missing. It makes the mourning period for the loss of that identity longer and harder. Also, the strength of that progress seems diminished. You’ve busted you ass in 12 weeks of treatment to go back and maybe have that work go to the wayside as the day to day routine comes back into play. New things lead to new routines.

Had I returned to Milwaukee, I would have returned to my case management position. This required me to visit clients, deliver medications, and work on paperwork. The vast majority of my work day was in my car, which made it so easy to restrict. If I had a scheduled time to meet with a client, I would make sure I didn’t have time to stop. If I just kept going, I wouldn’t be able to feel how tired or weak I was. It’s not that I didn’t love the position, because I did, but it would have been difficult to balance the requirements of my meal plan with the job specifics. However, this also happened in St Louis.

After being promoted at my last job, I relapsed. Even though my apartment was literally down the hall from my office, I found excuses to skip meals and stayed in my office to avoid eating. I got back into IOP pretty quickly, but still. New beginnings are not without their challenges.

Now, I have accepted an internship program at a private practice in order to finally begin working on my licensure hours again. I’m finally moving forward in my career, and I feel ready to do that. After leaving PHP, I knew I wasn’t ready. I needed time before being able to give therapy again, but it’s time.

While I know that this will come with its own struggles, including learning how to incorporate my meal plan into this schedule, it’s the next step in the new beginning I’ve been waiting for.

All good things come to those who wait. Be patient.

After working incredibly hard the last year on myself, I’m happy to say that those good things are coming in all the time, and I am very lucky.