Some days, I’m just not really sure what to say. Today is one of
those days. As NEDA Week 2015 comes to a close, the reality sets in
that, while we have 1 week a year to help truly bring awareness to
eating disorders, these 7 days don’t come close to expressing how
difficult it is to live with an eating disorder.
No amount of
blogging, sharing, or talking can give the true picture of what it’s
like to be trapped in an eating disorder mindset every day. It’s being
completely stuck in your own mind and using these behaviors that you
might hate, but just can’t stop doing.
No amount of facts
describes what it’s like to be laying in bed unable to sleep, because
your mind is racing with things you’ve fucked up that day, how much you
hate yourself, and thinking of all the ways to punish yourself for the
things you’ve done.
No before and after transformation picture
will describe the hell you went through to get from picture 1 to 2. The
amount of physical and emotional pain that you undergo in treatment in
order to enter recovery. The strength it takes to overcome all of those
awful thoughts in order to eat even one bite of your meal plan for the
day. The work you had to put in to get there.
No wearing purple or
mismatched socks will make people understand the battle that goes on
with even trying to put on clothes for the day. The criticism you hear
your head no matter what item you pick up. How fat you feel, regardless
of what others say or what the mirror may show. The dread that sets in
when you realize you have to leave your house and have other people see
you.
That being said:
No awareness means that others won’t
recognize when they may have an eating disorder, because symptoms have
never been previously discussed.
No awareness means that those who
recognize that they are struggling may not reach out because of fear
that others won’t understand.
No awareness means that no steps will be taken to improve the research and treatment of eating disorders.
No awareness means that the journey to recovery becomes that much harder.
Thank
you to all who participated in NEDA week. Raising awareness will help
the discussion of eating disorders become more prevalent, which in turn
will help more people receive services and reach the recovery that they
deserve.
Showing posts with label nedawareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nedawareness. Show all posts
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Shut Up and Be Happy
For the first time, potentially ever, I have found myself in a surprisingly calm period of my life, and I am freaking out about it.
It's not like everything is perfect. I'm having a huge increase in eating disorder thoughts, which makes me want to use behaviors. I haven't really done so, and if I have, I always make it up later or the day after. I still don't have a job and haven't really heard back from any type of employer, except rejection emails, which is incredibly frustrating. Besides these things, everything is else is great and, dare I say, stable.
Stable is a weird word for me. It only ever seems to exist in the short term in my life. I have gotten used to relying on change to give me stability. No change makes my life feel uncomfortable, which it's not true in any way, shape, or form. It's actually a really good thing. So, what do I do in these situations? Create the instability.
One of my crowning achievements is that I am fantastically great at self-sabotage. I get scared that for the first time, things will be okay. My eating disorder hates that, hence the number of thoughts I've been having lately. It wants me to remain in chaos, so that it can come in and help control everything. Typically, I succumb and enter a new relapse.
Today, I can feel myself teetering. There's such a huge part of me that is determined to continue in recovery, but another that is honestly just tired. This journey is exhausting, and I've been listening to more ED thoughts lately. I just don't have the energy to keep pushing them out and challenging them. The worst part is that I make this worse by adding more value onto events than is really necessary. For example, my therapist called me out last week on being frustrated by lack of contact from jobs. She pointed out that I really haven't been unemployed for that long. It's only been 2-3 weeks. So, I am the one making myself feel badly about this. Self-sabotage at its finest. But how do I make it stop?
When working with clients with anxiety, I used to challenge them by making them give real, actual examples of how those irrational thoughts were in any way valid. Typically, there isn't any or, if there is, it's a pretty big stretch. I used to have clients very similar to me. Some had grown up in a very different world, but it was still chaotic none the less; however, when things were good, their anxiety would get worse. With one of my favorite clients, this went on for weeks until I finally told her to tell those thoughts in her head to shut up and just try to be happy in the moment. For once, things weren't chaotic. They were good. In some lives, that never happens for long. She was taken aback, but she agreed to "Shut up and be happy."
This is a phrase I need to take to heart more. I have spent so much time living in my eating disorder that I remember more moments related to that than actually positive ones. That's just sad. No one should live like that. If I continue to stay in this mindset, I will never actually be able to be content with where I'm at right now, and my life right now is wonderful.
So, self, shut up and be happy.
It's not like everything is perfect. I'm having a huge increase in eating disorder thoughts, which makes me want to use behaviors. I haven't really done so, and if I have, I always make it up later or the day after. I still don't have a job and haven't really heard back from any type of employer, except rejection emails, which is incredibly frustrating. Besides these things, everything is else is great and, dare I say, stable.
Stable is a weird word for me. It only ever seems to exist in the short term in my life. I have gotten used to relying on change to give me stability. No change makes my life feel uncomfortable, which it's not true in any way, shape, or form. It's actually a really good thing. So, what do I do in these situations? Create the instability.
One of my crowning achievements is that I am fantastically great at self-sabotage. I get scared that for the first time, things will be okay. My eating disorder hates that, hence the number of thoughts I've been having lately. It wants me to remain in chaos, so that it can come in and help control everything. Typically, I succumb and enter a new relapse.
Today, I can feel myself teetering. There's such a huge part of me that is determined to continue in recovery, but another that is honestly just tired. This journey is exhausting, and I've been listening to more ED thoughts lately. I just don't have the energy to keep pushing them out and challenging them. The worst part is that I make this worse by adding more value onto events than is really necessary. For example, my therapist called me out last week on being frustrated by lack of contact from jobs. She pointed out that I really haven't been unemployed for that long. It's only been 2-3 weeks. So, I am the one making myself feel badly about this. Self-sabotage at its finest. But how do I make it stop?
When working with clients with anxiety, I used to challenge them by making them give real, actual examples of how those irrational thoughts were in any way valid. Typically, there isn't any or, if there is, it's a pretty big stretch. I used to have clients very similar to me. Some had grown up in a very different world, but it was still chaotic none the less; however, when things were good, their anxiety would get worse. With one of my favorite clients, this went on for weeks until I finally told her to tell those thoughts in her head to shut up and just try to be happy in the moment. For once, things weren't chaotic. They were good. In some lives, that never happens for long. She was taken aback, but she agreed to "Shut up and be happy."
This is a phrase I need to take to heart more. I have spent so much time living in my eating disorder that I remember more moments related to that than actually positive ones. That's just sad. No one should live like that. If I continue to stay in this mindset, I will never actually be able to be content with where I'm at right now, and my life right now is wonderful.
So, self, shut up and be happy.
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