Wordless

Some days, I’m just not really sure what to say. Today is one of those days. As NEDA Week 2015 comes to a close, the reality sets in that, while we have 1 week a year to help truly bring awareness to eating disorders, these 7 days don’t come close to expressing how difficult it is to live with an eating disorder.

No amount of blogging, sharing, or talking can give the true picture of what it’s like to be trapped in an eating disorder mindset every day. It’s being completely stuck in your own mind and using these behaviors that you might hate, but just can’t stop doing.

No amount of facts describes what it’s like to be laying in bed unable to sleep, because your mind is racing with things you’ve fucked up that day, how much you hate yourself, and thinking of all the ways to punish yourself for the things you’ve done.

No before and after transformation picture will describe the hell you went through to get from picture 1 to 2. The amount of physical and emotional pain that you undergo in treatment in order to enter recovery. The strength it takes to overcome all of those awful thoughts in order to eat even one bite of your meal plan for the day. The work you had to put in to get there.

No wearing purple or mismatched socks will make people understand the battle that goes on with even trying to put on clothes for the day. The criticism you hear your head no matter what item you pick up. How fat you feel, regardless of what others say or what the mirror may show. The dread that sets in when you realize you have to leave your house and have other people see you.

That being said:

No awareness means that others won’t recognize when they may have an eating disorder, because symptoms have never been previously discussed.

No awareness means that those who recognize that they are struggling may not reach out because of fear that others won’t understand.

No awareness means that no steps will be taken to improve the research and treatment of eating disorders.

No awareness means that the journey to recovery becomes that much harder.

Thank you to all who participated in NEDA week. Raising awareness will help the discussion of eating disorders become more prevalent, which in turn will help more people receive services and reach the recovery that they deserve.

Shut Up and Be Happy

For the first time, potentially ever, I have found myself in a surprisingly calm period of my life, and I am freaking out about it.

It's not like everything is perfect. I'm having a huge increase in eating disorder thoughts, which makes me want to use behaviors. I haven't really done so, and if I have, I always make it up later or the day after. I still don't have a job and haven't really heard back from any type of employer, except rejection emails, which is incredibly frustrating. Besides these things, everything is else is great and, dare I say, stable.

Stable is a weird word for me. It only ever seems to exist in the short term in my life. I have gotten used to relying on change to give me stability. No change makes my life feel uncomfortable, which it's not true in any way, shape, or form. It's actually a really good thing. So, what do I do in these situations? Create the instability.

One of my crowning achievements is that I am fantastically great at self-sabotage. I get scared that for the first time, things will be okay. My eating disorder hates that, hence the number of thoughts I've been having lately. It wants me to remain in chaos, so that it can come in and help control everything. Typically, I succumb and enter a new relapse.

Today, I can feel myself teetering. There's such a huge part of me that is determined to continue in recovery, but another that is honestly just tired. This journey is exhausting, and I've been listening to more ED thoughts lately. I just don't have the energy to keep pushing them out and challenging them. The worst part is that I make this worse by adding more value onto events than is really necessary. For example, my therapist called me out last week on being frustrated by lack of contact from jobs. She pointed out that I really haven't been unemployed for that long. It's only been 2-3 weeks. So, I am the one making myself feel badly about this. Self-sabotage at its finest. But how do I make it stop?

When working with clients with anxiety, I used to challenge them by making them give real, actual examples of how those irrational thoughts were in any way valid. Typically, there isn't any or, if there is, it's a pretty big stretch. I used to have clients very similar to me. Some had grown up in a very different world, but it was still chaotic none the less; however, when things were good, their anxiety would get worse. With one of my favorite clients, this went on for weeks until I finally told her to tell those thoughts in her head to shut up and just try to be happy in the moment. For once, things weren't chaotic. They were good. In some lives, that never happens for long. She was taken aback, but she agreed to "Shut up and be happy."

This is a phrase I need to take to heart more. I have spent so much time living in my eating disorder that I remember more moments related to that than actually positive ones. That's just sad. No one should live like that. If I continue to stay in this mindset, I will never actually be able to be content with where I'm at right now, and my life right now is wonderful.

So, self, shut up and be happy.

I Had No Idea

The theme of this year's NEDA week is "I Had No Idea." Sometimes, we have these cookie cutter ideas of what eating disorders are and how they can impact a person, but there's so much more to them than just a label.

I Had No Idea:

• The level of distortion I had when looking in the mirror.
• I was so cold all the time, because of ED.
• How much hair I would lose.
• I would end up with a chronic heart condition.
• Eating a meal would continue to cause stomach pain and issues, even in recovery.
• There are no good/bad foods.
• How hard it is to begin eating again- physically, mentally, and emotionally. 
• My thoughts were covering up so much more underneath.
• Using behaviors would give the high that cocaine once did.
• Wanting to be thinner wouldn't make me any happier.
• How quickly dieting turned into disorder.
• Seeing the size on my clothes get lower would cause me to push harder.
• Not everyone constantly beats themselves up mentally everyday.
• How much my self-worth would become dependent on size, shape, and numbers.
• A bad body image day would impact my ability to do anything.
• Skipping work would happen so frequently from being sick from behaviors.
• That I punished myself with restricting.
• I would use self-injury.
• Other mental health issues contributed to my ED behaviors.
• Anorexia would be closer to me than many friends and family when I'm sick. 
• The impact of my behaviors on my ability to perform well at work.
• Lying would become a part of my daily routine.
• I wasn't very good at hiding behaviors, even though ED told me I was.
• EDs have a major influence on how your brain works and performs.
• I had no clue who I was without my eating disorder.
• Anorexia would become my identity.
• The negativity of my core beliefs.
• How strongly my trauma affected me without restricting.
• Talking about my issues would be and continues to be the hardest thing I have to do.
• The amount of support I needed and continue to need to stay in recovery.
• Comparing myself to others would cause me to lose self-confidence.
• How amazing the community of people fighting EDs is. 
• As a therapist, I wouldn't know all the answers to help fix myself.
• I wouldn't be able to bring myself to dance again.
• People don't spend 2 hours in the grocery store to get a basket's worth of food.
• I have the ability to take care of myself and other people. 
• Suicide would be an option I would ever seriously consider.
• My behaviors could have killed me.
• Hunger cues would go away, and Fullness cues take time to adjust.
• That I would continue to fight anorexia 10 years later. 
• Just how sick I actually was.
• I would have to give up my job, relationships, friendships, life in order to go to treatment.
• I would lose everything to my eating disorder.
• You have to hit rock bottom before you can build yourself back up again.
• Even skipping one meal in recovery would put me off track. 
• Insurance coverage is solely based on numbers, not on actual mental stability.
• Letting go of behaviors would be this difficult.
• How hard it is to stay in recovery.
• I could feel so good without using behaviors, being a certain size, or a number on the scale.
• Treatment would be the hardest thing I would face, but it was absolutely worth it.

 I could go on and on, but eating disorders are so much more than a DSM diagnosis. That's why weeks like NEDA Awareness are so important. Without educating, many people may not understand or receive the help that they need. Spread the word!