Boundaries are these things that we sent in place mentally, physically, and emotionally to protect ourselves in a variety of capacities. There are so many different uses for them, but most of us kind of suck at actually putting them in place and sticking to them. Personally, my biggest issue with setting boundaries is with work.
My issue with setting boundaries with work has existed almost as long as I can remember. My therapist pointed out that this is a result of my trauma.
When I was in 7th grade, I was severely bullied at school. I was being pushed down flights of stairs, being spit on, having my things taken from me, and more awful things. I was 11 years old and had no idea why these were happening to me. The worst part about it? My parents and I reported it to the school, and their response was, "Well, that's just what middle school kids do. You must be provoking them somehow. So, we are setting you up with your history teacher to do extra work." Then, that history teacher took advantage of that situation. He was grooming me for inappropriate things that teachers should never do. Luckily, that grooming never paid off, but it was still terrifying.
So, the school was teaching me that by throwing myself into work, I would be safe from many of the physical things happening to me. If I am working, I can't get hurt. I have clung to that idea for the last 12 years. It helped me in a lot of ways. I was in the top 5 of my class. I completed college in 3 years, and I received my Master's degree at 22. It helped me get ahead, but it also helped me compartmentalize all the bad and pretend that it never happened. Now that I am unpacking all of those things finally, it is incredibly painful.
I still also don't know how to disconnect myself from work very well. Work had always been a huge distraction from my feelings. So, when I start to feel upset, I turn to work to not deal with things. Tonight, I found myself feeling a little overwhelmed, so I went to check our messaging system. From all the messages, I just got more and more frustated. There were things going on that I had no clue about. Kids being argumentative and debating every rule. I found myself getting more and more annoyed.
Then, I thought to myself, "What the fuck am I doing? I don't get a lot of downtime, so why I am getting annoyed with work when I am off the clock?" So, I shut off the system, but I am still itching to get take care of it because my emotions just make me so uncomfortable. I'm basically crawling out of my skin right now with how uncomfortable I feel. But then I remember that I have very fluid boundaries with work and it has always served a purpose for me. So, now what?
Rationally, I know I need to set a firmer boundary with work. I need to not check my email or my messages once I leave work unless someone calls in an emergency. Emotionally, I am still not sure I am ready to do that or can. I am learning to accept emotions that do come up, even though I am still very disconnected from them; however, I know that if I continue to push emotions away, I will never become comfortable with them. So, I need to set my boundaries and stick to them. Otherwise, I am going to continue to push away my emotions, which results in pushing away people. I will become completely enmeshed in work, and that just sounds terrible. I think boundaries sound way nicer :)
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