Is Fat a Feeling?

Almost every day, I hear someone in my life or surroundings saying, "Ugh. I just feel so fat today." It's such a common expression in American culture: feeling fat. In eating disorder treatment, they drive home the fact that fat is not a feeling, but rather, it is what we are labeling feelings that we cannot identify or are using eating disorder rationale to discuss emotions. Regardless of what the ED experts say, I know myself and others in recovery really struggle with giving up this idea.

Most days lately, I do truly wake up and say, "God, I feel so fat today." The reasoning changes day to day. It could be that my clothes aren't fitting how I want them to or my jeans are a little tight or seeing my recovered body in the mirror.

Honestly, I still am not used to my recovered body. When you put on 15+ pounds in less than 3 months, it's a shock to your system. The refeeding process is horrifically painful. You have to eat past the point of feeling full, sit with stomach pain and GI issues, and it's time to eat again. Imagine the fullest you have ever been and having to push yourself past that point at least 5 times a day.  To this day, I still have stomach issues, which is what makes this recovery journey that much harder for me. That overly full feeling makes me feel fat.

Rationally, I know that when I am "feeling fat," it's my eating disorder getting into my head. Labeling my emotions as "fat" is a hell of a lot easier than admitting I'm sad, angry, anxious, etc. I have always been pretty disconnected from my emotions, so this is just one more way to keep me that way.

Irrationally, my eating disorder feeds off of this "feeling." ED begins to tell me that that feeling is right. That I am fat, which means I am worthless, unlovable, and all the negative core beliefs I have about myself. It spirals to skipping snacks, not taking my meds, and going from there when I am not in treatment.

Thankfully, I am in treatment. I have the opportunity to discuss these things with my team and others in IOP. I am learning how to truly identify my feelings for what they are. They have been held behind this wall of my eating disorder to keep me "safe" for so long.

Deep inside me, I know there is someone who is so angry at the world and upset with a lot of the things that have happened in my life; things that are honestly truly unfair to any human being. Unfortunately, I don't think I am quite there to let all that out. So, in this moment, I am going to focus on accepting emotions as they come and to try to have compassion towards my new, healthy body.