Surrendering to My Psychiatrist

To go on psych meds or to not go on psych meds? If you know me, you know I'm pretty stubborn about taking my medications. I also really don't like the idea of using chemicals to balance me out. I'd rather just talk about the shit that's going on that I'm not dealing with. Once I do that, I'm fine; however, I can't have 10 hours of therapy every day, so no matter what, I still end up experiencing symptoms. Lately, my symptoms have been getting worse.

The meds I take every day are "necessary" for me to have a healthy life. My heart pills, which I take off/on, help me to keep my heart rate not insane and to not pass out every time I stand out. My birth control is necessary, because my period came back with avengeance after losing it for 3 months. My trazodone is necessary, because I can't function if I don't sleep. But to me, psych meds aren't necessary. Who needs a pill when you have therapy? I guess mind over matter doesn't always work though.

So, in seeing my psychiatrist yesterday, I decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to discuss the possibility of beginning psychotropic medication. I had a horrible flashback during a staff meeting yesterday that was so bad that I needed to leave to regather my thoughts and stabilize myself out with some solid coping skills. The flashbacks and panic attacks keep getting worse, especially with going through my timeline. Since it is too overwhelming to do large chunks of my timeline in one sitting, I am often left with these residuals or anticipation of what I have to discuss next. This causes issues. So, medicine seems like the best temporary assistance for me to make it through the next few intense therapy sessions.

I have been staunchly against psych meds. My first round in treatment, I had a battle with my psychiatrist. She was often very condescending and judgmental of my life choices. She labeled me as an alcoholic and told me I was in denial about how bad my problems with my eating disorder. Then, after having some serious mental breakdowns, I decided to cave in at the encouragement of my therapist. I tried Prozac and had an allergic reaction to it. Then, I tried Zoloft and became insanely suicidal. So, my track record with meds is bad. 

So, I am surrendering to my psychiatrist. I am working with her to pick a different class of medication. We agreed to try Wellbutrin at a very low dose to start. As always, I am very nervous about starting it. I am worried what it will do to my mood, my feelings, and my body. I am concerned that it will make me foggier. My mind has been so jumbled that I can't even think straight most days. But maybe surrendering is the first step to progressing.