Extreme Anxiety

So, I've been neglecting the blog for a week now, mostly just because I have been extremely busy and extremely anxious. I'm having a difficult time finding the time to force myself to sit down and talk about what is going on, especially because I have been stuffing some really deep things lately. I can just feel everything bubbling up inside of me, feeling like it is on the edge of spilling out, but my twisted mind kicks in and shuts everything down. So, I've been a numbed out zombie for the last week, and the times my emotions have kicked in haven't been pretty.

Last weekend was my brother's wedding, which was really beautiful. Everything, except the freezing weather on Saturday, worked out. I was really nervous about seeing a lot of people, especially when I was having such negative body image all last week. I felt so fat and disgusting for the vast majority of last week. Honestly, I felt okay the day of. It was a lot of different emotions from being nervous that stupid people would show up or pull shit, missing grandma, and seeing this as another life transition for us (finally a good one though). There were just a lot of people in my family with high anxiety levels and lashing out on others, which triggers my trauma, ED thoughts/behaviors, and anxiety. It just makes me shut down. So, I was able to having feelings, but I was distracting from a lot of it pretty badly. It was overall okay, just very overwhelming.

This week, we had a stressful week at work with people visiting from China to check out our program. There were a lot of last minute changes and stressors for what honestly seemed like a meaningless trip. I personally felt like they were here to make sure their kids were fine, but mostly to see America and have fun. It made the last 3 days incredibly frustrating. They are finally gone, so that helps, but my anxiety has been through the roof.

Anxiety is a tricky thing, because not only does it fuck with your mind, it causes your body to malfunction as well. I already have a heart condition, so my heart typically races anyways; however, my anxiety causes it to feel like it is going to beat out of my chest. It would be like the scene in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd has the dream where he rips the chef's heart out on his date with Mary. My heart would be out of my chest just beating. Everything feels out of control and scary and I just want to go crawl in bed, which is typically what I do. Anxiety is the most difficult level of uncomfort. So, what do we do?

When I have such extreme anxiety, sitting and thinking about what appropriate coping skills are and targeting what the root of my problem are the farthest things on my mind. I just sit and stir until I shut down. Shutting down is just so easy, but so damaging to my psyche. I have been working on focusing on control/out of control. A lot of the things I get anxious about are completely beyond my control. I can't control people not texting me back or traffic or work stuff. I just can't, no matter how much I think I can. My constant need and craving for control will always be a battle. This blog is helping, because it's finally an outlet. Sometimes I don't realize how much I need that...

Now, that my anxiety is calming down, I can move forward rationally. Breathe in, breathe out. One step at a time.