A Letter to ED

ED,

When I first met you 10 years ago, I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I knew you would be trouble. You came into my life when I felt like things were getting out of control. After years of being anxious, you came into my life to calm me down from the life changes that were happening around me. For the first time in my life, I found the one thing that made me feel safe and protected. The first meal I skipped, I knew I was hooked. Your voice in my head encouraged me to keep going with empty promises that I thought would be fulfilled. The promises of love, adoration, and fulfillment had me completely indentured to you, and I was willing to follow you everywhere. Even in the times when I left you behind, you would always find your way back in. To me, you were the perfect relationship: something that would never leave me, always support me, and give me the self-love that I desperately needed. Little did I know how much you would destroy my life.

You came into my life at a very opportune time. After a year of being horrifically bullied, I had just finished a year at a brand new school where I found friends that supported me, classes that challenged me, and a new love: theater. I was finally beginning to work on my identity in high school. It was time to become more independent and figure out truly what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. Then, life happened, as it always does. My father was leaving again for a year long tour in Kuwait. It always felt like abandonment to me, even though it was just the lifestyle of being a military brat. Not only did I fall into my typical pattern of shutting down, but I was lost. I was stuffing everything so deep inside of me that it became invisible. I was able to continue being with friends, doing theater, and doing well in school, but all that stuffing caught up to me and I felt empty. Then, I had a health class that talked about eating disorders. Anorexia stuck out to me as this beautiful concept. I was intrigued. I wanted to learn more about it, and maybe even try it. That curiosity led to the internet where I saw "thinspiration" and saw that maybe I could be one of those girls that were being supported and praised just by being thin. That didn't seem so hard to me, especially because I was already on the thin side. It was all so tempting, and I fell head over heels for you.

That year, I lost enough weight to feel fantastic about myself. I was getting responses from friends and family about how great I looked, because I was thin, but in shape. I felt in control of my life for the first time in years. I was able to decide how I wanted my body to look and the ways I would do that, which was skipping meals and counting calories. On the outside, I showed everyone how great I was doing, but on the inside, a battle was raging on. That year, I was cutting, exercising, and spending hours listening to you tell me that I still wasn't enough and that I wouldn't be until I lost more weight. On top of that, my constant need for change was starting to creep in. I was maintaining in a sick twisted world, because I had all of these unfulfilled needs. It didn't matter though, because I was thin. You were my best friend, and there was nothing else that mattered. Finally, my life became more in control. My father returned from Kuwait. We were moving to the DC area, and I was able to let you go. I had to to focus on my friends and making the most of my time before another move, because I had learned that once you say goodbye, things change. Relationships will end. Your best friends then won't be your best friends later, because you'll lose touch. So, I had to focus on my friends, because I felt that they wouldn't be there later. I would have a new life in Maryland, and I would leave it all, including you, ED, behind. Little did I know that I had been ingrained with triggers, and you would show up when I would least expect you.

In March 2006, you were there for me when I experienced my first major loss. After weeks of communication and crazy talk, Mark was gone. Suicide is a tricky concept, especially when you're 14. Even trickier when someone would say you contributed to the reasons for it. Again, at 14, I had no capability of processing what was happening. Then, you were there, just when I needed you again. You came in and comforted me in a way that no one else could. My friends were so supportive, but I had no idea how to verbalize what was going on. Also, my life was so busy that I stuffed it, put on a brave face, and kept going. ED, you were there to help me cope with this loss, and it helped me survive in order to keep doing well. 

After a few months of being with you again, we had a new struggle to face: health problems. Starting in 8th grade, I had always been told that I had asthma, but inhalers never seemed to work. This came to head my junior year when I would begin hyperventilating during classes with no warning. After seeing multiple doctors, spending hours in the emergency room, and just freaking everyone out, I needed some answers. You took a seat on the back burner, so I could have enough energy to see everyone and get some help. Luckily, one doctor randomly knew about Vocal Chord Dysfunction, and I was able to regain control. With that diagnosis, I felt like I was able to better handle my health issues, and didn't need you to help me control my life. I was capable of doing it again. So, we parted ways again... for now.

Recovery is a beautiful thing. I spent a year and a half living this beautiful life with my friends in Maryland. Then, we moved back to Wisconsin, and for the first time in my life, I returned to those best friends that I had desperately missed. For the first time, those attachments weren't broken. I spent my senior year with my closest friends and began looking at new opportunities to have this great life in college. For the first time, I felt confident without you. I was in control of my destiny, and nothing was going to stop me... Or so I thought.

My dream of going to college was slightly derailed for a variety of reasons. All of a sudden, I found myself applying to a local 2 year college to work on credits rather than moving across the country to start fresh. On top of that, my life at home was spiraling out of control quickly. My grandmother had been diagnosed with a brain tumor. My dad became this completely different person: one I didn't recognize, let alone had respect for. Then, October came and so did you.

October 2008 is potentially the worst month of my entire life. My father left to live with his parents leaving behind a grieving family trying to grapple with our first grandparent with cancer. My grandmother deteriorated quickly. Everything was falling apart. I did what I always do. I took 17 credits, worked at McDonalds and the VFW, and was involved in 2 musicals. Stuff it and keep going. It all came to a head the last week of the month. My grandmother died. This lead to actions and words by my father that made me lose all respect for him, and the beginning of the end of our relationship. When you grow up a daddy's girl, that's an impossible concept to even try and comprehend. Also, I started to take care of everyone else, but not myself. I worked as hard as I could to make sure that everyone else was handling these losses, and I put on my brave face and kept going. There you were to support me while I was supporting everyone else. You always knew exactly when I needed you to help me out. I relapsed and quickly got out of control.

Relapse is difficult, because not only do you fall back into these behaviors, but there's a significant amount of guilt and shame that come with it. I was also so ashamed of running back to you, because I knew on some rational level what I was doing to myself, but you felt safe. This relapse was particularly easy though, because no one noticed. It was me and you. You took care of me while I was taking care of everyone else. It was a beautiful partnership. This one lasted for a long time before we broke up again.

I met someone who finally threatened your relationship with me. I fell head over heels for someone else, but you were always there. You would tell me that I wasn't good enough for him... that he would never love me, because he was still in love with someone else... that the only way I would be good enough was to be thin. I did the dance between you two for as long as I could. You were there for me when he didn't know how to be. You helped me through losing Peter and Logan. You always did when I lost people. But, he was there for me in dealing with my father and trying to figure out what kind of relationship we could have, if any. He began to support me the way you always did. The first year was a constant battle in my head between who I should listen to. In the end, you won, but not for long.

My study abroad in Spain could not have come at a more opportune time. After taking a break from my romantic relationship, I needed some time to figure me out. I ran away to Madrid to see if I could have a life without him and without you. The 4 weeks I spent in Spain were the foundation to my identity. For the first time, I was in control of what I was doing, and it was an amazing feeling. After spending 6 years at that time with you always there in some capacity, I was able to let you go. I returned from Spain happy and healthy. I went back to my romantic relationship and was prepared to take on anything without you. This was short lived unfortunately.

Fall 2010 was another difficult time. I was randomly passing out, feeling like my heart was beating out of my chest when I would stand up, and just constantly miserable. It's really difficult to be in and out of doctor's offices and the Emergency room when the person who has promised to love and support you refuses to be there. Luckily, I didn't need him, because I had you. You became that love and assistance that I needed while sitting in emergency rooms by myself. You were there for me when I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome and told that I would probably be on medication for the rest of my life. Without you and my mom, I probably never would have gone to those appointments. You only went to take advantage of my POTS, but you were still there. Then, as my relationship was falling apart and choices were made that drove us even further, you became stronger and stronger. My friends and family were so supportive, but it just felt like you were the only one who understood. I could hear all around me that I needed help, but I just couldn't seem to get away from you. My relationship ended, but you were still there. You faded a bit when I was able to spend time with my friends and become back in touch with my life outside of my relationship. Then, I had a life of fresh starts, and away you went.

Moving to Milwaukee in Fall 2011 was probably one of the best decisions I have ever made. I was originally going to commute for graduate school, but decided that I needed a new place to figure out what my life would look like since it would be nothing like I had planned. I was beginning a new life in a new school, meeting new people, and living in a new city where no one knew my dirty laundry. It was exhilarating. I didn't need you, because I was in control of my choices. Even when I lost 2 amazing people in my life a day apart, I was okay. One of those losses led me to someone who understood my relationship with you. Finally, I had someone who understood, and I didn't need you. I lived another beautiful year and a half in recovery. It wasn't perfect, but it was better than being in a full blown relapse. I had moments of weakness where I would dabble in behaviors and miss our relationship, but I knew that I needed a new life. I was doing well without you, and I wanted to stay that way. It did until I graduated with my Master's.

ED, you have always served as a wall between whatever identity I have and the things I have never dealt with. You have always protected me from feeling the things I never wanted to feel. You helped me stuff all of those traumatic events deep down inside of me. You made sure that, if I got overwhelmed by emotions, I wouldn't have to deal with them. We would skip a meal, and I would be fine. You did your job, and I was able to manage my life better... or so I thought.

After getting my Master's, I wasn't strong enough to hold back all of these feelings and memories from flooding me every day, especially when working as a therapist. Every day, I was speaking to people with some similar experiences to my own. It became draining to just be me and work with clients. There you were. Our relationship began again, but it wasn't unnoticed this time. Working with other clinicians, your presence was easily seen by my supervisor, who really pushed me to go to therapy. I went for one session, but I never went back. I was okay with that though. So were you. I had pseudosessions with my supervisor, which helped me be okay for a while, but you were still there. I entered a romantic relationship that challenged, but encouraged you as well. This built and built until one day, the switch went on. I knew I couldn't stay with you, but I knew I needed help to get out of it. With the help of my family, I got on a train, left everything behind in Milwaukee, and decided to look for a new life without you.

The first 2 weeks of treatment, I was still holding onto you. I would openly tell people that I would be there for a short period of time to go back to work in Milwaukee. In other words, I realized I had made a mistake and wanted to stay with you. Slowly but surely, rational me started kicking into gear, and I knew that I couldn't continue this relationship or I would lose my life. After experiencing so many losses, I couldn't put others through that. It also didn't seem fair to my friends who lost their lives too young. Here I was actively destroying my own life by choice. In the memory of my friends, that's just not fair. After 12 weeks in treatment, I was feeling okay with letting you go, but was still battling with depression. I felt like I had ruined my life by not being with you. It was my hardest break-up of all, but I have a new life in recovery.

Recovery is never perfect though. I ended up running back to you when I felt out of control, but I recognized it and got back into treatment. I always go back when I don't feel like I can handle things. But the truth is, I absolutely can. I don't need you to make me feel worthy of love, because I have friends and family who love me. I don't need you to help gain control, because I am capable of making my own choices and can handle when the unexpected happens. I don't need your voice in the back of my head telling me how awful I am, because there's no evidence of that. I just don't need you. So goodbye, ED. I will not miss you. This life in recovery isn't easy, but it's worth it.

Good riddance,
Heidi