Today was a really difficult day for me at treatment. It was my first time at cooking class, which takes place in a grocery store aka my personal hell.
I legitimately hate the grocery store. I would rather have surgery with no anesthetic than have to spend less than an hour at a grocery store. To me, it has always been one of the biggest enemies, because it represents the one thing that I struggle most with, food. Before coming to St Louis, my aunt would often do the majority of my major grocery shopping for me. Then, I was able to pick up the few perishable items that I needed at the Walgreens aka NOT a grocery store. If I did have to go to the grocery store, I would have an exact detailed list of what I needed and a game plan of the path I would take in the store. The longer I spend in the stores, the louder my ED voice gets. It's completely crippling to me. If I am there any more than an hour, ED is yelling at me about how everything in my basket (because carts represent being fat in my mind) is going to make me fat and unworthy. I could have lettuce, milk, and eggs in my basket, and my brain gets overwhelmed.
Cooking class is another difficult thing for me. It's not that I dislike cooking. Most of the time, I just don't like to waste the free time I have on cooking. I am exhausted by the end of the day, so I don't care to eat at all, let alone take an hour to make it. It's another challenge for me. This is definitely a challenge that my ED wins most of the time. If I do cook, it's microwaveable. So, the idea of going to treatment to cook a meal was brutal to me. I really debated calling in, but then I would have to deal with self-portioning. At least this way, I would have some control over what I would be eating.
So, let's combine my personal hell with an activity I dread. Best night ever, right? In reality, it wasn't that bad. I was very anxious the whole time, which made me feel like I was going to pass out. So, I was able to sit in a chair and just try to distract from my anxiety with creating something. I was in charge of the jalapeno poppers, a food that I definitely wouldn't eat ever, because I don't tend to stretch outside of my small, taste preference bubble; however, I decided to challenge myself to try some new foods tonight. So, I tried a small popper after they had cooked, and it was actually pretty good. Also, we were only responsible for a small portion of the grocery store list. So I stayed in one section, and it was okay. It was just challenging to be in a larger grocery store thinking about food and cooking. All of the challenges.
Today has been a challenging day. Facing two of my biggest fears, grocery stores and new foods, has left me pretty exhausted today. Honestly, I am really proud of myself though. I am trying to fight every day to beat this. I'm still having pretty bad body image, but bit by bit, I am hoping it will go away. One step and one challenge at a time...
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