Breakdowns lead to Breakthroughs

This week, I anticipate some struggling. Because I have such a difficult time connecting to my emotions, sometimes the smallest trigger can send me into a massive breakdown. The wall my eating disorder helped build comes down just enough for me to just lose any control or compartmentalizing I have done. It becomes this chaos in my mind and body.

When I have a breakdown, I tend to just cry hysterically.  Even if I get to a peaceful state of mind, I just keep crying. I think it's because I so rarely cry. Once I start, everything I have been holding in just comes out. Then, my mind begins racing with thoughts of "This isn't okay." "Pull yourself together." "I'm really uncomfortable." "Shut it off." I become very anxious.  My chest and stomach get tight, and I can get short of breath.  It almost feels like I am dying in some small way. It's not a panic attack,  but it feels similar. So, I slow it down and shut it off. It's not resolution.  It's my off switch.

My therapists have all pointed out to me that they can see when I shut off. I've been told that my body physically changes. Even if I start to tear up and shit it off,  it's a noticeable physical change.  Then, I present as okay and just tuck everything away to the back of my mind as far away from my heart as possible. It gets grueling doing that everyday though. So, what am I supposed to do?

Lately, I have been trying to embrace emotions,  but it's not gonna happen overnight. I also so rarely deal with emotions that my automatic off switch gets to them so quickly that I don't even notice I am getting emotional sometimes. I can feel that something is off in me afterwards,  but it's hard to rectify at that point. Tonight,  I had a breakdown. Just a lot of small things throughout today built up,  and I just lost it. I tried to sit with my feelings. I was giving myself some positive self-talk, telling myself that it was okay to be upset and frustrated.  That lasted about a minute before I shut it off.  It sends my ED mind into overdrive.

ED goes crazy when I am upset. It sends every negative message to add to my already terrible core beliefs about myself.  It's that reinforcing voice in my head that makes it worse. To make it stop, I have to shut off my emotions to make my head stop racing. But then once I do that, the shame sets in. I just keep hearing that I'm not normal because I can't have emotions or deal with them in any way. I know everyone has different struggles with emotions,  but it makes me feel isolated. I shut down and can't open up emotionally to others. It's really hard. Honestly, my head feels like a never ending battle most days. I am so thankful for my Trazodone to help me sleep and to have a break. I am thankful for this blog too as an outlet for my crazy and the support I receive from the people who read it.

You always hear that breakdowns lead to breakthroughs. So, what's my breakthrough tonight? Even though I only had a minute of feelings,  I was able to sit with it. That minute of being uncomfortable showed me that maybe my brain does have some fight for recovery left in it. Maybe next time I get upset, I won't shut it off for 5 minutes. Who knows? I won't know til I try it. But that's how recovery goes. Listening to our rational minds, using our coping skills, and taking things one day, hour, minute, second at a time