Better

Better is such a loaded word for me. To me, it can mean so many different things. Even Webster's Dictionary has 5 (!) definitions for it! These 5 are- 1) Greater than half; 2) Improved in health or mental attitude; 3) More attractive, favorable, or commendable; 4) More advantageous or effective; and 5) Improved in accuracy or performance. Better has also impacted my eating disorder, perfectionism, and own self-worth. I look at those 5 definitions that Webster gives and can see myself and my eating disorder in all of them. So, how do we break it down?

The first definition, greater than half, applies to my entire life. I can honestly say that my mental health problems, trauma, and eating disorder have been present for the better half of my life. Better to me in this case is just sad. The better half of my life? It's insane to me that I have spent 15 years of my life hating and blaming myself for so many things that were beyond my control or ability to comprehend as a child. To me, this is the saddest better, because it puts into perspective just how much time my life has been consumed with eating disorder thoughts and behaviors.

The second definition, improved in health or mental attitude, is a great milestone for me. I can honestly say that, even though I am truly struggling in my journey in recovery, I am BETTER than I was in February when I entered treatment for the first time. This is my proudest better. It is proof to me that I can fight through anything and, even if that fight is still going on, I can improve upon myself to make positive changes in my life that will make the next chapter in my life extraordinary.

The third definition is what my eating disorder makes everything about: better. If I am "better," that means I am pretty, smart, loveable, and actually deserving of some worth. I am enough. This also boils down to comparisons though. This better to me is my Eating Disorder, but I am not defined it Everyone around me is. That girl walking down the street is better than me, because she is so thin and pretty. She's better. I did not graduate at the top of my class. Everyone above me is better than me. My boyfriend left me to focus on himself. His life is better without me than with me. I never allow myself to be deserving of that better. This is one of the biggest parts of my treatment right now, but one of the hardest. I often wonder if I will ever be better enough for me not to compare myself to anyone else. Somewhere in me, I hope that I will be, but I know that takes time and becoming more comfortable with myself. I need to create an identity surrounding this new transitioned person, which is way easier said that done.

The fourth definition is how I view my life with my eating disorder, better. To me, my eating disorder has always symbolized a place of safety, control, known, home, comfort, etc. I could attach most positive adjectives to how my Eating Disorder has helped me in my life. To me, anorexia has always been the better coping skill. It is the one thing that I know is guaranteed to make me feel better. I know that if I am having a bad day, all I need to do is skip 1 meal and I will automatically feel a little a better. To me, restricting is a better coping skill than anything else. How do you do better when you feel like you know the best solution for you? Time, patience, and an open mind are the best first steps, because something better and healthier is out there.

Finally, the last definition is a dichotomy for me: improved in accuracy or performance. My Eating Disorder mind sees this as "You can always do better" and applies it to school, work, life, appearance, any little thing. My healthy mind sees it as "You are doing better" and applying it to things like: my meal plan, less restricting, less exercising, fewer mistakes, etc. This goes back to my last blog about the War in My Mind. This constant battle of fighting ED mind vs Healthy Mind. By using challenges and evidence to focus on having more rational thoughts, I am better. I am no longer completely consumed by my eating disorder. I recognize it as a separate entity, which is a huge deal for me. It is leading to a better life for me.

Overall, I am learning to accept and incorporate all 5 versions of better. Although some of these definitions define a negative part of my life and a strong portion of my Eating Disorder, that positive side is there, even if I can't always see it. I just know that I deserve a life without hating myself everyday; a life where I don't analyze every bite of food or every calorie. I know that life is there, and it will be better.