Gratitude

When I was working as a therapist, one of my favorite/most powerful groups with my recovering addicts was a discussion and activity on gratitude. America has such a work yourself to death type attitude, which is something I have adopted as well, with serious costs. So, sometimes we need to take a step back to look at the little things we miss when being so busy. It helps us to gain insight that things might feel crazy and out of control, but we really do have good things in our lives to be grateful for.

In this group, we would talk about gratitude: what it is and what it means to us. Clients would often say that these things got lost in focusing on their recovery, especially because the things they were grateful for would often be the things that they were most terrified to lose if they relapsed. It led to the realization that we sometimes are so anxious about losing these things that it leads to us pushing them away. So, we can take a step back to say what we're grateful for in order to appreciate what is always there through our struggles. I would have clients take a brown paper lunch bag and 10 slips of paper to list the things they were grateful for. We would then go around one by one to share some of the things we listed. So, in dealing with my anxiety today, I am listing my 10 things:

1) My family. They drive me completely and totally batshit crazy sometimes, but honestly, I would never have gone to treatment without their support. They allowed me to pick up and leave everything to come to St Louis from Milwaukee. They helped cover my rent. They communicated with my job to figure out my time off. They actively participated in family days to learn more about how to help me. I am grateful that we are a close unit, which wasn't that way for the majority of my life, and how they look out for me regardless of circumstances or how much I screw up.

2) My friends. The people who keep me most sane. I am very lucky to have developed the friend group I have in my adult life. It is made up of so many unique crazies, but I wouldn't have made it through most of my trauma without them. Honestly, their love and support has kept me around for as long as I have. In my darkest nights, I have talked with friends who have listened to me cry, freak out, and process what has happened. They have also given me wonderful memories, laughter, and happiness. I consider my friends my second family, and I wouldn't be able to get through all this without them.

3) Therapy. I am grateful for the opportunity to be on the other side of the counselor/client relationship. That hour of time every week to help me actually say the things I have stuffed for so many years has been life changing. I try so hard to not feel emotions that it is comforting to have a safe outlet where I can share them when I am ready. Some days, I really hate it. I hate being pushed to actually share my feelings, because it makes me very uncomfortable to experience such strong emotions; however, I know in the long run it's helpful.

4) Work. I am lucky to have wonderful coworkers and a job that allows me to leave every day to go to treatment. It has also given me a place to live independently and be on my own again.

5) Traveling. In moving so many times, I am lucky enough to know people all over the world. So, I can travel to go see these people or just to get some time on my own. My study abroad experience was one of the most life changing opportunities for me. I picked up and left Wisconsin by myself to spend 4 weeks in Madrid where I knew no one. Traveling either with friends or by myself allows me to take risks and help build my identity.

6) Music. One of my primary coping skills. It is such a powerful thing that can be used for coping, memories, parties, and so much more. I am grateful for something so simple that I can just put on and take a mental break from the world.

7) The past. While I really hate reminders of the past, especially at shitty moments, it has truly shaped me into the person I am today. I have learned that while I can't change it, I can take those life lessons and adapt them to current day situations. History repeats itself, and if we don't learn from it, nothing changes.

8) Love. I truly wish that everyone can experience love in their lifetime, because there are so many different types of it. The love we have for friends, family, relationships, life, etc. changes a person. One of the core beliefs of my eating disorder is that I am unloveable. One of my best challenges of this is looking at the outpouring of love I received through my journey in treatment and continue in my daily battles. Even though I might not be "in love" now, the opportunities are there in due time, and I am optimistic for what may come.

9) Education. My education is very important to me. I worked very hard to get my Bachelor's in 3 years and at 20 and even harder to get my Master's at 22. While I am not really using my degrees at my current job, it is something that no one will ever be able to take away from me. I earned those degrees and can celebrate that accomplishment. It may just be a sheet of paper, but it symbolizes a part of my identity that I hold very close to me.

10) Life. At 23, I have come close to successfully taking my own life multiple times, even as recently as this year. While life has not been the easiest, I am grateful to have one, especially when thinking of the friends I have lost theirs too soon. I am grateful to have the opportunities to learn from my mistakes and figure out this life one day at a time. Losing it to my eating disorder can't be an option anymore. I think I am learning that being thin doesn't mean life is better. If anything, my eating disorder makes my life worse, because I take all these things for granted.

Today I chose to be grateful and remember that life with my eating disorder makes these things that much harder. I am grateful to be on this journey in recovery, even though it isn't perfect. It's life.