If you had asked me one year ago today what I would have expected 2014 to look like, I wouldn't even be close to telling you what actually occurred this year. I probably would have told you that I expected to continue working towards my counseling hours, spending time with my then boyfriend, and going out and partying most nights in Milwaukee. Well, none of those things happened for more than a few weeks. This year has been very unexpected, but a lot of the choices I made helped save my life.
I started the year living in Milwaukee and quickly on the path to total self-destruction. I had just taken a new job and was learning quickly that I missed doing actual therapy, but case management wasn't terrible. I was also spending most of my free time in a very enabling relationship. I was encouraged to lose weight and get blackout drunk more times than not during the week. My eating disorder and alcoholism were quickly becoming my main priorities, and everything else fell into place around that. It all came to a screeching halt at the end of January when the relationship ended, which I didn't expect, and I spiraled for 3 days until I hit my breaking point.
February 1st, I made one of the biggest decisions of my life. That morning, I woke up feeling emotionally and physically worse than I had in most of my adult life. I spent the morning figuring out what to do and decided that I needed some help. That day, I grabbed a pile of clothes off my floor, threw them in a bag, and went to the train station bound for St Louis to be with my family. I called work to tell them I was going on leave and texted friends who needed to know. That 6 hour train ride might have been the longest of my life. I got to St Louis to try and figure out what I had to do.
The first 2 weeks, I slept and tried to determine what to do about work (I was only given 30 days unpaid leave), treatment, and the life I had up and left in Milwaukee. After the first week, I went to go intake at an IOP program, but I had such a bad feeling about the therapist that I never went back. She had brought up a name, McCallum Place, that did more intensive treatment. So, I had an intake scheduled for the next week.
My intake at MP was one of the most overwhelming experiences I have ever had. I was forced to discuss issues that I had buried deep inside me for years. I finally had to admit what I had been doing for years to destroy myself, but I was in pretty deep denial about how bad things really were. I requested 6 hour days, because I felt like I didn't need 10 hours every day. I wasn't that sick. Boy was I wrong...
Anyone who goes to treatment will tell you that day 1 is always the hardest. Most people just cry the entire day. That's what I did. I had to meet with 3 people: therapist, dietician, and psychiatrist. With each person, I had to retell my story, so that they understood why I was there. Plus, I had to sit for my first lunch and PM snack. I had no idea what to expect or how everything worked. I was so grateful for 3:30 that day.
My first 2 weeks at treatment, I was pretty adamant that I would be returning to Milwaukee and work by the beginning of March. I felt like I just needed a little kick; then, I would be fine. That idea drew some skepticism from both my treatment team and fellow patients. By the end of that first week, I stepped up into 10 hour days and made the decision to quit my job and start a new life in St Louis for a while. I called my job and said I wasn't returning and turned my focus onto recovery 100%.
Partial Hospitalization was the hardest thing I have ever done. Over a 12 week period, I spent 10 hours every day at McCallum, and the rest at my parent's house sleeping. It was emotionally and physically draining. For the first time, I had to confront what was really underneath my anorexia and figure out who I was; a concept that I had never even thought about. During this time, I created wonderful relationships with some of the strongest, most bad ass people I know, and started to learn that I was okay as I am. In March, I went to Milwaukee to pack up all of my things in mine and my brother's cars, said goodbye to my friends and my life there, and left to begin a new life in St Louis, because I knew that returning to Milwaukee right away would have been a dangerous decision. By the beginning of April, the weight of all of these decisions and having difficulty with learning all of this new information became so overwhelming that I went down fast. My insurance had dropped me down to 6 hour days and was threatening to discharge me any day. I had started medication that made me hallucinate and lose control, so I spent a week in the hospital to refresh and restart, but it ended up being my downfall.
The day I was released from the hospital, my insurance dropped me down to IOP, because I hadn't lost any weight while I was inpatient. So, in 2 weeks, I had gone from 70 hours a week to 42 hours to 15. That jump from 6 hour days to IOP is ridiculously difficult. I chose not to go to IOP and said I would find my own team. Well, that never happened.
I spent the next 6 weeks working on getting out of my depression and figuring out what the next step would be. I started applying for jobs all over the place, and eventually, I found one in mid-June. The extra benefit was that it came with an apartment as well, so I would finally be able to go back to being independent again. I accepted and moved out and was doing very well for 2 months. My eating disorder voice was still there, but it was no longer screaming. This lasted until things got crazy at work.
At the beginning of August, my job had a lot of major changes, and I ended up being promoted in that; however, with no training on how to do this new position, I ended up losing myself into work and got extremely off track. In 3 weeks, I had gone from the higher end of my goal weight range to out of it completely on the lower end. I didn't want to lose my job, so I went back to McCallum to intake for IOP.
I started IOP at the end of August. It became a juggling act of work and treatment, but it was exactly what I needed to get back on track. I spent 12 hours a week working on what had caused me to relapse and how to incorporate recovery into my outside life; something I had never had to do before. I had my struggles, but I felt very comfortable with my team and worked hard to ensure that I didn't go back to PHP. During this time, I was able to return to some kind of balance of a personal and a work life. I was getting back on track. It also helped that I had met this very cute, tall, bearded man through my coworker who came in and instantly became supportive of this journey and helping me when things get bad. It was a very welcome change from my last relationship where my eating disorder had been encouraged, not my health and well being.
By the end of November, I was feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities at work and trying to leave early 4 days a week to get to treatment. Also, my therapist was being transfered to a different site, so I felt it was time to leave. The biggest difference this discharge was that I left with a team in place. I maintained my therapist and regained my dietician from PHP. I felt positive about leaving.
Over the last month, I have been mostly able to balance recovery and life. I do have bad days, but I have far more good days. I've continued to work hard in therapy and on the insane meal plan my dietician has for me. I feel that I am in a very healthy place in my recovery and emotionally at the end of this year.
This entire year has been about my eating disorder recovery. I spent a total of 6 months at McCallum Place and another 5 working on my recovery outside of it. As I am ending this year, I feel very optimistic for the first time in a long time. Things have been going remarkably well, and rather than sit here and be anxious about what bad thing is going to happen next, I am going to focus on being happy in this moment, because I deserve it.
Every month in 2014, I used the song "This Year" by The Mountain Goats, which has the primary line of I am going to make it through this year, if it kills me. This line has rung true as I would have never guessed that I would spend so much time working on myself to get better. I made it through. It didn't kill me, but it did make me stronger. To celebrate that, I get to ring in a new year of love and happiness with my man, and I could not be more grateful.
I would not have made it through this year without the support of my family and friends who continuously reminded me that, even though treatment sucks, I was doing the right thing. I made it through 2014 one day at a time, and that will help make 2015 that much better.
My resolution for next year is to continue working on this journey in recovery and to continue living in each moment. One day at a time.
Happy New Year, my loves!
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