Meal Plans and Vacations

I think I learned that meal plans and vacations don't go together. I just spent a weekend out in Washington, DC visiting some of my dearest friends from high school, which was a fun weekend, but learning to go off schedule on my meal plan and without calorie counts was overwhelming.

Ever since I've learned my counts, I feel like I have slipped back into some bad habits. Counting was like a religion to me when I was really bad. I counted and measured every single calories that entered my body and punished myself by compensating if I went even 1 calorie over. Now, I still obsess over my calories in hopes to get to a level my dietician and therapist are okay with so I can get on a maintenance meal plan for a while. I currently hate how my body looks and feels, but I am trying to remind myself that this is what I need to do for this moment. But now, I can't seem to function without counting every calorie again; it's just on a bigger scale.

So, going on vacation is no easy task. I have my regimented 10, 12, 3, 5, and 7 eating times. Everyday at those times, my recovery record rings on my phone, and I am prepared with something to eat. Not that simple when you're out doing things and trying to relax. It's even worse when you have more limited options and unknown calorie counts for your meal plan. It's just really hard.

So, I just did what I could. I feel like I didn't really lose any weight, which I guess is a good thing, but I feel very off track. I know rationally, I'm probably not that bad, but to go back on my regimented schedule feels terrifying today. It's back to that total control, which I spent so many weeks in therapy trying to let go of. All I want is to eat normally and not feel like a crazy person if I don't know the calorie counts for one snack.

I have a really difficult time with this in recovery, because I feel like there are so many contradictory statements. We're supposed to let go of the control of restricting, but we still have to monitor every piece of our intake to report to our dieticians and figure out what meal plan is best. We aren't supposed to obsess a out food, but we have to in order to stay in recovery. We can't exercise, but it's worse for our body image and health if we don't. I constantly feel like I am in a Catch-22 and a no win situation. How do you solve that?

I'm becoming increasingly more frustrated with this whole process. It makes me not want to see my dietician any more, because I feel like it's more damaging to my psyche to continue to go; however, my therapist won't continue to see me without her. Again, another no win. I just can't help but think that this might never get easier, and I will have to fight this every single day for the rest of my life, which might be the worst feeling of all.