This whole process of getting better is really rough. There are so many days I wish I could wake up and just be free of the eating disorder thoughts, have the ability to feel, and eat all of the food. Unfortunately, this isn't that easy, which I guess makes it a good life lesson that I can use to reflect back on in my old age when I finally get to the point where I can do all of the things I listed above. Til then, I keep on going with all the appointments.
I started EMDR with my therapist yesterday, which has just left me kind of reeling today. Just going through and beginning to work on all the bad stuff and bringing up all of these feelings has been brutal. We started to do prep work before actually diving into my trauma, which will start next week. We talked about the fear of letting go, which I discussed in my last blog. She got me to a point where we were discussing what I am truly most afraid of and determined it's another form of the fear of the unknown.
My biggest fear is uncovering what is truly behind that wall of my eating disorder. I know that there are very strong emotions that have been buried for a long time. The strength of those is probably more than I really recognize, which feeds into my feeling of a loss of control if I truly let every emotion go. I hate losing control, so that's a huge internal battle. So, really allowing myself to feel is going to be a major step.
The other large fear also deals with the unknown. There is a very significant portion of my life that I have no memory of. My first real memories don't start until middle school for me, and even then, I don't have many vivid memories from the last 10 years. I know a significant part of that is due to my trauma, but it leaves a lot of questions as to what some of the things I don't remember are. I have had nightmares of childhood trauma for 15 years now but very little actual memory of it happening. In doing EMDR, I am scared that all of these memories will come out, and I will be left as more of a broken person than I have ever been. It's a risk I have to take though. All of it had been pretty overwhelming.
In addition to that, I learned my weight for the first time in 3 months on Tuesday, which is never great. I have been having all kinds of stomach issues on and off since going to treatment early this year. So I finally went to go see my primary care doctor to see if she could help. That turned into 45 minutes of me crying about how low my weight was, even though I feel like I have been trying really hard to do my best and follow my meal plan. It's just so discouraging. It's hard enough when my brain doesn't cooperate, but for my body not to as well? It's enough to make a girl go crazy.
This lead to my dietician appointment tonight where we discussed all of this. So since I am continuing to float around the same weight, which is just under my goal range, I received the gift of major meal increases today. Every snack and meal increased. Then, I got my calorie count. This is the first time I have requested to know my calories ever since before going to treatment when I counted and obsessed over every single one. It's 6 times the amount I was restricting a year ago. If that's not a mindfuck, I don't know what is. I know it will help me Hey back to a healthy weight, but it doesn't make it any easier.
Overall, recovery is such a difficult journey. Every day has different challenges, but with them come the new beautiful things in my life. So, I am choosing to contribute on this path and try to figure it out.
No comments:
Post a Comment