Choices

Tonight, I had a long talk with one of my students about choices. In life, we are faced with more options than we could possibly count everyday. These can range from minor (What shirt should I wear today?) to major (Should I move to a new city?). Regardless of what type of choice it is, they can have some pretty major impacts on our daily lives.

Tonight, we were talking about choices in how we act in response to situations. For me, I have this battle every day. When I am faced with a difficult minor or major choice, my eating disorder voice always gets louder.

For example, tonight I met with my dietician for the first time in outpatient care. It was really comfortable, especially since she was seeing me twice a week in PHP and knew many of the struggles I had then. She also knows about many of my traumatic experiences; therefore, it's already an advantage for my care. So, we caught up on where I was at now and transitioned to talking about my meal plan. Going in, I was pretty aware that my meal plan was definitely on the lower side of my calorie range and that my weight is currently at the lower end of my goal weight range. So, I was kind of expecting some kind of change to be made in terms of my meal plan. What I didn't expect was the number of changes and increases.

I rationally know that these are necessary, especially if I slip up on behaviors as a result of the trauma processing in therapy; however, it doesn't make my eating disorder voice happy, and I am being bombarded by messages in my head telling me I am going to get fat. So, this leads to a choice; follow the meal plan or my ED voice.

My gut reaction to this is to choose ED. That's my go to coping skill. I know that restricting makes me feel less anxious and more in control of situations in my life. Also, with the trauma work I am doing, my ED is the wall that makes me feel safe. I know that I cannot get hurt when I restrict; I am protected in my anorexia bubble. Luckily, my rational side has kicked in more and more while I have been in recovery. I have the choice to fight those negative voices and to complete my meal plan to the best of my ability day to day.

The choice I make is going to pretty major. If I do not choose to do the meal plan, I will lose everything and end up back at McCallum all day, every day, which I have enough motivation to prevent that. Just like that, small choices we make can amount to major impacts. Choosing to skip one meal or one snack can be a the first step on a downward icy slope, which is all it takes.

Choices are incredibly difficult, especially when we have past experiences that dictate what one to pick based on consequences and rewards received as a result of those decisions. But if we choose to make rational positive decisions,  even if they are extremely difficult to follow through with,  that one choice may prove to be enough to change our entire lives.