Survival Story

I recently was tipped off to a blog on the Internet that the writer shared that she was working on a project with Buzzfeed and asking people for their survival stories. Through social media, someone who has been reading my blog suggested that I share mine. I did, but I think it's important to share here as well. So, here we go. My essay on my ED Survival Story:

Surviving my eating disorder has not been an easy task by any means. The first time I restricted, I was 13 years old; a scared little girl who just wanted to use her voice that had been stuffed away for so long. Growing up a military brat, you have no control over your life for the length of your sponsor's contract. You go where the military tells you to go and often will little notice. As a kid, it automatically kicked me into survivalist mode, because if you got too emotional or attached, leaving was that much harder. You have no control or stability, which lead to these insane unfulfilled needs. Couple this with abuse from a variety of sources, I felt like my only option for some control or using my voice was to use food. Restricting became my source of survivial, both physically and emotionally.

My battle with anorexia only got worse as I entered high school. I was faced with a mountain of adversities, such as: a deployed father, multiple moves, the deaths of multiple friends, and the suicide of my high school boyfriend, which I was blamed for. My need for control turned into a need for comfort, support, and some positivity in my life. Anorexia became my everything, because it filled every need I never knew I needed. It became my friend and gave me a voice when I was struggling so deeply. After a 3 year battle, I fell into my first true supportive group of friends who helped me turn my life around, for a little while anyways. After more years and more trauma, I relapsed severely in the summer of 2013. By the end of the year, I was barely surviving on a restricted diet of 500 calories a day and a flat affect. Nothing mattered but my eating disorder, even though I could never see how much it was killing me. To me, I could only survive day to day by punishing myself for all of the horrible things that had happened in my life, none of which were truly my fault. Then, on a night when I was blackout drunk trying to numb my pain even more, I hit rock bottom and called my mother to tell her what I was doing. The next day, I up and left my job, apartment, friends, and entire life to get on a train for 6 hours to a new life; one of recovery, even though I didn't really know what I was going into.

Entering treatment in early 2014 saved my life. I would not have survived this year without making that decision. My journey in recovery began with individual/group therapy, meals, dieticians, and medications for 10 hours a day over 12 weeks. I was in hefty denial when I entered treatment, but with time, the idea of having a life without my anorexia became feasible. I left treatment determined to succeed. I lasted 3 months before returning to intensive outpatient, because returning to a "normal" life of working full time and living on my own again was completely overwhelming, and I returned to using restricting for control. After 3 months of IOP, I am finally back on my own with weekly appointments with my therapist and dietician, my modes of survival in the real world.

Today, I still have struggles. Because of my anorexia, I now have a heart condition that I have to take medication for daily. I have stomach issues that may never go away. I have emotions that I still am not really sure how to deal with. I have my trauma that I still get reminded of time to time. I don't believe I will ever wake up and say, "I survived my eating disorder," because I have to make a conscious decision to continue in my path of recovery multiple times a day, every single day. Recovery takes an incredible amount of willpower. Anyone working on staying on that path deserves a medal. For me, surviving used to mean being able to manage my trauma and emotions by not allowing myself to heal and becoming more damage in the process. Today, surviving my eating disorder is making choices to be compassionate to myself, using food to help support me in all aspects, and letting go of all the blame and negativity that I have held onto for so long. Surviving means living the best life I can, because I am deserving of it. The best part? Anorexia will have no part in it.

I do not know if this will get chosen; however, surviving my eating disorder is such a huge focus in my life right now. We don't survive by being passive. Only the truly strong survive with hard work and dedication.