Therapy is hard... Tonight was my first outpatient session with my therapist. I still can't say how much I enjoy working with her, as she pushes me to really confront a lot of the issues and feelings I have spent years avoiding. We have been working through my timeline slowly but surely, but we're at a pause point in order to do some prep work before beginning EMDR.
Tonight, we were discussing my life outside of IOP, which I think is going fairly well. She asked how often I had been restricting and if it has been full meals or just components. Most days, I have been completing very close to 100% of my meal plan. Others, I skip snacks, but not meals. Every day is a little different. So, my therapist posed an interesting question, "Why are you so scared to give up your eating disorder?"
At first, I was pretty taken aback by this question. My thought was "I've already given it up. That's why I spent 6 months of this year in treatment. What do you mean why am I scared?" Then, I took a reality check. In some ways, I am ready to stop living with my eating disorder in control, because it's ruined almost half of my life; however, there is SOME part of me that is absolutely terrified to give up all of my eating disorder behaviors, which is a terrifying thought in itself.
One of my biggest fears of letting go of restricting is having to tear down and rebuild the wall I have spent the last 10 years building up. ED for me has functioned as the threshold for emotions and attachments since I was in middle school. I learned from an early age that people always leave and that emotions don't do anything but make me uncomfortable. While both of those beliefs aren't true, I have functioned on those assumptions for years. It has protected me from many things but kept me from figuring out and showing my true identity as well. So, the idea of letting go of restricting, allowing myself to feel things, and let people see that side of me is a really difficult thing to overcome.
My next biggest fear is an inability to cope. My main coping skill is skipping a meal to help me feel better. It's my go to quick fix. While I know a plethora of other coping skills from my training as a therapist, I have a difficult time turning to them, because they don't have that same instant gratification. So, what am I supposed to do? Sit with my feelings? Don't be crazy. That would be a normal thing to do, and I have rejected the idea of normalcy. So, I am holding on to restricting just in case I get too overwhelmed.
Finally, my biggest fear is living a life that is eating disorder free, because I haven't done that since I was 12 years old. The vast majority of my memories are from periods where my restricting was present (because, of course, the bad memories are most prevalent). I do not know my life without my eating disorder, which is the scariest thing of all. I have to learn how to cope, feel and acknowledge my feelings, AND figure out who I am? Excuse me while I just go lie in my bed. Seriously, this is a massive undertaking.
So, I find myself asking, "Do I really want to give up ED? All of this other stuff seems like a lot of work, and I would just like to stay in my bubble. It's safe here." Then, I mentally slap myself in the face and snap back to reality. Have the last 10 years really been that great that I want to repeat them? That's a big fuck no. I have put so much work into getting to this point in recovery that I would be throwing it all away by choosing to hold onto these behaviors.
While I recognize that I cannot change my three major obstacles over night, I can dedicate myself to working towards these goals. If I can start to incorporate other coping skills, I can reduce the amount of restricting I do. If I can allow myself to begin accepting that it's okay to have feelings and actually feel them, I might be able to create stronger relationships with others and live a more genuine life. If I can continue to figure out who I am, I will be able to dictate the life I lead and keep the people that want to join me on that journey. That's what this journey in recovery is all about; facing our fears and being willing to accept change. If we don't, we continue to stay in these patterns and be miserable, and no one deserves to live like that.
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